IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
There are more and more
polluted
Replace the word
pollution
show examples
 issues and building problems, and authorities should solve these problems so as to prevent sickness for individuals.
This
 author absolutely agrees with that argument and will explain the reasons why. Pollutants from transportation,
manufacture
Wrong verb form
manufacturing
show examples
, and building are the main causes of illnesses
such
 as lung cancer and diseases like global warming and ozone layer breaking. The governments should take responsibility for cutting down the rate of pollution from anything that can be controlled to prevent the worst situation for our health.
Instead
 of paying a fortune for health care
while
 homeless trouble cannot be solved perfectly, governments should tackle these worries first for the evolution all-round and lack of sickness. As an example, Singapore is the cleanest, safest,and happiest country without homeless people, pollution,or even trash,
due to
 the correct way authorities solve problems.
By contrast
, many people do not think it is the government’s responsibility and that the mess must be dealt with by residents. Many pollution and negative changes in the environment are caused by human activities, so inhabitants need to do something about those results.
Consequently
, Singapore is known as one of the cleanest countries and Vienna is called the greenest area is not only the council effort but
also
 native’s consciousness.
This
 may be true but if
administration
Add an article
the administration
show examples
 does not have a strong and stiff punishment for people
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 not
done
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 it
correct
Change the word
correctly
show examples
, Singapore or Vienna cannot have a perfect view and results like that. Take Vietnam as the nearest instance, nowadays, dominance has a strong and expensive punishment for breaking
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 to make them stop doing it.
Thus
, removing the drawback of poison from environmental troubles is the responsibility not only of the council but
also
 of residents, but it must have a promotion from authorities to solve it crudely and safely and have the lowest impact on our lives.
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task achievement
Your essay clearly presents a viewpoint and develops arguments to support your opinion, which is good for task achievement. However, elaborating further on each point with more detail and deeper analysis could enhance the completeness of your response.
task achievement
Providing more specific examples to back up your statements would strengthen your argument. While you mention Singapore and Vietnam, delving deeper into how these examples support your viewpoint will make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's structure allows for easy reading, but sometimes the flow between paragraphs can be slightly jarring. Transition words or phrases can help smooth out the reading experience, enhancing coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to making sure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This will help in making your argument more coherent and easier to follow.
task achievement
You made effective use of examples (Singapore and Vietnam) to support your point. This is a strong technique for illustrating your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarises your standpoint, reinforcing the overall argument of your essay, which is excellent for coherence and cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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