Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing environment pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
(QG) Many people are of the opinion that the government should spend money on solving social obstacles
such
as environmental problems in order to solve the syndrome in humans. In my opinion, I agree with this
idea due to
the result of these problems on humans and its potential key in decreasing many public illnesses.
It is vital to understand that environmental contamination has a profound effect on people’s health. Impure lakes or polluted air contain many chemicals like nitrous oxygen can worsen people’s lives living in it. This
will make citizens who live in polluted atmospheres suffer many infections in the lungs or also
lung cancer or be exposed to many illness troubles. Therefore
, solving social dilemmas plays a crucial role in making a better life for a human, especially their health.
It should also
be acknowledged that decreasing social disputes can easily reduce the variation of sickness in public. Some issues in public such
as stress or any mental sickness are the root of many sorts of sickness. When the government takes action to solve these issues, the proportion of illness, especially in young people, will go down. For instance
, in Hanoi, only 10% of citizens are suffering from stress in their work and the percentage continually goes down annually after public parks were built and many garbage dumps were built by the authority.
To conclude
, it is pivotal for governments to come up with initiatives to tackle obstacles posed by pollution and housing inefficiency in order to improve the population’s health.Submitted by zky1705202 on
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coherence cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. Using transition words can help improve the smoothness of your essay's progression.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Real-world data or case studies add weight to your claims.
language accuracy
Consider revisiting some of your expressions and word choices for clarity and precision. For instance, instead of 'solve the syndrome in humans,' consider 'address health issues in the population.' This makes your argument clearer and more direct.
language accuracy
Check for proper terminology and avoid overly general phrases. For example, 'nitrous oxygen' is likely intended to be 'nitrogen oxides,' which are common pollutants. Accurate terms enhance the credibility of your argument.
introduction
Your introduction effectively outlines your argument, setting a strong foundation for the essay.
argument structure
You've made a good effort to link environmental and public health issues, which strengthens your overall argument.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates the importance of government action, showing good essay structure.