IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

smoking is a major source of serious illness and death throughout the world today.In the interest of public health ,government should ban cigarettes and other tobacco products .Do you agree or disagree

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Today, in many parts of the universe
cigarettes
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 are known as a major source of deadly sickness. Many
people
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 believe that it is the government's responsibility to prohibit the usage of
tobacco
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products
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.
This
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 essay disagrees that
cigarettes
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 and
tobacco
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products
Use synonyms
 are the main reasons for illness.
This
Linking Words
 forbidden not only increases the rate of smuggling but
also
Linking Words
 in the presence of
carbon
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 footprints
this
Linking Words
 work might not be effective. On the one hand, if the usage of
cigarettes
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 and
tobacco
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 is banned by some politicians to help society's
health
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 condition,
this
Linking Words
 act would increase the rate of smuggling. By reducing in number of companies that produce
tobacco
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products
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, finding standard
products
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 which are less dangerous for public
health
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 will be difficult. So, the path for smugglers is provided to bring non-standard
products
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 to the country some of them do not contain a real leaf of
tobacco
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.
As a consequence
Linking Words
,
people
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 who use these
products
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 are positioned at great risk of death.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2008 in Iran, over 250
people
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 were poisoned by
cigarettes
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 which were transported illegally because of the probation of politicians.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, having some strict regulations for not using
cigarettes
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 is not enough
while
Linking Words
 most
people
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's lives are surrendered by
carbon
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 dioxide. The vast majority of cities around the world are producing huge tonnes of
carbon
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 dioxide yearly because of burning fossil fuels and the amount of emission
that is
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 produced is not comparable to other
tobacco
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products
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. So,
people
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 breathe a lot of
carbon
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 every day unconsciously which can cause serious
health
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 issues for individuals.
As a result
Linking Words
, cutting the usage of
tobacco
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 is not comparable to
carbon
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 emission and has less effect on
people
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's
health
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 conditions.
For example
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, the
people
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 of Turkey smoke more than Iranian but the rate of cancer in Iran is higher than in Turkey because of heavy emissions in Iran. In conclusion, there is a belief that to reduce serious
health
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 problems governments should reduce the number of
cigarettes
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 which are smoked by persons.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees because
carbon
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 emission has more effect on an individual's
health
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 conditions rather than
tobacco
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.
Also
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 act could increase the amount of smuggling in countries.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the issue, which is commendable. However, to strengthen your argument, consider exploring a broader range of arguments for both sides of the issue. This will demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding.
coherence cohesion
Using varied linking phrases and paragraphing to structure your essay has helped with its readability. To further improve, you might consider varying your sentence structures to add complexity and flow.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but expanding on them or including more substantial evidence could provide stronger support for your claims. Aim to include data, studies, or more detailed scenarios where possible.
coherence cohesion
You've effectively maintained a clear position throughout your essay, contributing to a coherent argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and restates your position, effectively closing the essay.
task achievement
The use of real-world examples, like the situation in Iran, adds credibility and interest to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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