IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays, a number of
youngsters
Use synonyms
 spend long hours on their
smartphones
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 on a daily basis. In my opinion, the insufficient number of recreational centres in some countries and social
media
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 apps are the main reasons for
this
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 dependency. I am
also
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 convinced that there are various drawbacks associated with the widespread use of
smartphones
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. It is my view that, in developing countries, the young generation does not have access to suitable recreational centres to spend their time.
In other words
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, the inadequate number of
such
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 facilities and
also
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 high entrance fees encourage children to stay at home and use their phones.
For example
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, in Iran, many parents are unable to cover their children’s expenses monthly.
Therefore
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, they prefer to buy
smartphones
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 for their children to entertain them.
Furthermore
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, social
media
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 platforms encourage
youngsters
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 to stay online for the most part of the day. These eye-catching applications and their diversity can draw children’s attention easily. I
further
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 believe that being too reliant on
smartphones
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 may lead to health problems. These days, many
youngsters
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 have a sedentary lifestyle.
As a result
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, they are more likely to gain weight and become obese in the long run. They are reluctant to go to the gym and do exercise, and in turn, they are prone to different diseases.
Additionally
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, devoting too many hours to using social
media
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 platforms
such
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 as Instagram may develop a sense of inadequacy. Children fail to distinguish the difference between reality and unreality in some cases.
Consequently
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, some of them are likely to suffer from depression. In conclusion,
youngsters
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 are drawn to their
smartphones
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due to
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 the lack of recreational centres and the attractive appearance of social
media
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 apps. From my perspective, living a sedentary lifestyle and becoming depressed are the main disadvantages of using
smartphones
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 extensively.

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Structure
Try to diversify your sentence structures to enhance readability and flow. While the logical structure is clear, adding variety can further improve the essay's engagement.
Examples
Incorporate a wider range of examples and evidence to support your points. This will not only strengthen your argument but also demonstrate a broader understanding of the topic.
Content Balance
Be mindful of the balance between explaining the reasons behind the phenomenon and discussing its consequences. Ensure both aspects are equally explored to fully address the prompt.
Introduction/Conclusion
Effective introduction and conclusion, providing a clear overview and a strong closing statement.
Main Point Support
Solid argument structure, with main points supported by explanations.
Vocabulary
Good use of topic-specific vocabulary and phrases, contributing to a clear and comprehensive response to the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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