IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that arts (for example, music or painting) don't directly improve people's wellbeing, and therefore the goverment should spend money on other things. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #arts #music #goverment #money
Art
 is a great way to express emotions. Some folks think that
art
 does not upgrade
people
's interest and authority
should
Correct word choice
and should
show examples
 spend
people
's taxes on other things like IT, education,health, etc. I do not agree with the statement and
explaining
Change the form of the verb
explain
show examples
 my view in the next paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
art
 plays a crucial role in human beings, There are many examples of
art
 like music, it's a language for some
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 to express their feelings and it's very good for the public when they dance to the music and they burn some fat and calories. When someone is extremely stressed and they want to relax, they just turn on the music and it relaxes their minds. In
this
 way,
art
 is a great help in today's era.
On the other hand
, some scholars indicate that organizations should spend their capital on other stuff. The government is spending their currency on the IT field, hospitals and other education systems which is good but what if
people
 are earning money and they are not satisfied with their jobs, they do not find happiness in those jobs so there is no point in forcing
people
 to join these jobs and invest money in it.
Therefore
, the government should support the
art
 field
people
.
To conclude
, I would say the government should support the different types of arts rather than investing their money in other stuff.
Submitted by jatinderpanaich328 on

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task response
Ensure that your essay addresses all parts of the prompt. Your stance is clear, but further elaboration on how the arts directly improve wellbeing could enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Work on linking your ideas more clearly and smoothly. Transitions between paragraphs could be enhanced for better flow, and maintaining a consistent topic throughout each paragraph would strengthen your essay's coherence.
task response
When giving examples, try to be as specific as possible. While music and dance were mentioned, providing concrete examples or citing studies that show the impact of arts on wellbeing could make your argument more compelling.
task response
Your introduction clearly states your viewpoint, effectively setting the stage for the rest of the essay.
task response
You effectively conclude your essay by reaffirming your stance, which is a good practice.
coherence and cohesion
You've done well in creating main points that are relevant to the topic at hand. Your paragraphs support your viewpoint efficiently.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • wellbeing
  • therapeutic
  • stress reduction
  • social cohesion
  • cultural identity
  • critical thinking
  • economic benefits
  • job creation
  • minimal budget allocation
  • public spending priorities
  • long-term impacts
  • cultural heritage
  • diversity
  • understanding
What to do next:
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