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Band 5.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organisations #outweigh
Growing
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A growing
The growing
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 number of people are becoming
concern
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concerned
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 about
the
Correct article usage
apply
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cyber organizations like Meta, Google and others storing
the
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apply
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digital
data
.
This
 practice has many drawbacks
as well as
 some benefits. In my opinion, the collection of digital footprints is more dangerous as compared to its benefits.
To begin
 with, the
stroge
Correct your spelling
storage
 of individuals
data
 by companies can be beneficial to some extent.
Few
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A few
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 of the dominant benefits could be it
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
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 convenience and
proved
Wrong verb form
proves
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 helpful in
emergency
 situations.
Due to
 the storage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal
data
 companies predict our next moves and offer services
accordingly
 to smoothen the process.
For instance
, the auto-suggestion feature on every smartphone key predicts our writing style and suggests
the
Correct article usage
apply
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words to improve our writing.
Secondly
, in the case of
Correct article usage
an emergency
show examples
emergency
Add a comma
emergency,
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this
 could be
Add an article
a life
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life saver
Correct your spelling
lifesaver
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. Nearly every device nowadays connected
with
Change preposition
to
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internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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kept
Wrong verb form
keeps
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 our
data
, which can be easily shared in any kind of
emergency
. With just one click or voice command we share our location and inform
emergency
 services or family about
emergency
.
On the other hand
, there are major concerns and the disadvantages of organizations storing
data
 cannot be ignored. First and foremost, privacy information leak is paramount.
Although
,
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apply
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the
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apply
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internet companies claim their databases are protected,
but
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apply
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many times the breach of the database is observed resulting in
confedential
Correct your spelling
confidential
data
leak
Fix the agreement mistake
leaks
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.
This
 may lead to a crime or cyberbullying.
For example
, hackers make a cut through
the
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apply
show examples
phone security stealing personal
data
 and images,
later
Correct word choice
and later
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 using
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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 give threats. Another major concern is the manipulation of the
data
. Cyber organizations can easily manipulate or generate new
data
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their favour. One major example of
this
 is the case of
data
 manipulation by the
hackers
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hacker
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 organization named “Anonymous” during Trump’s presidential elections.
To conclude
,
while
 storing
data
 can be beneficial in some cases, the drawbacks clearly
outweighs
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outweigh
show examples
in
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apply
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my perspective.
Submitted by sameer.rn9596 on

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Task Response
Try to explore both sides of the argument in a balanced way before concluding. While your position is clear, acknowledging the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly could strengthen your argument.
Language Accuracy
Be mindful of spelling errors and ensure correct use of terms (e.g., 'stroge' should be 'storage', 'confedential' should be 'confidential').
Vocabulary Range
Enhance your essay with a wider range of vocabulary to better express your ideas and arguments. While your vocabulary is adequate, more varied expressions could lift your score.
Grammar Range and Accuracy
Work on the complexity of your sentences to avoid repetition and to make your points more compelling. The introduction of more complex sentence structures can help improve the flow and demonstrate linguistic capability.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay shows good structure, but using clearer transitions between paragraphs could improve the overall flow. Consider phrases that better connect your ideas and paragraphs.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined, providing a clear overview and summarization of your views.
Use of Examples
You've used relevant examples to support your points, which helps make your argument more convincing.
Task Response
Your essay remains focused on the topic throughout, showing good task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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