IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after60, it would cause problems for younger generation people. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #work #generation
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It is thought by some that people who exceed their retirement age (around 60) should be allowed to work
while
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 others say it could affect new graduates. In my opinion, I disagree with
this
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 idea and the reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before a conclusion is reached.
To begin
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 with, working after 60 years old leads to a decline in applying for the younger generation in companies. As the positions are not available and are being activated by the elders who still remain in the particular position.
Moreover
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, even we let the organisations make a decision on choosing between energetic teens or experienced employees. Most employers definitely select their old ones as they have worked for the company for a long period and they are able to solve complicated problems easily.
On the contrary
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, It is the fact that older employees are able to teach the younger generation as they have a lot of experience, which they have earned from their tremendous tasks and encounter many problems.
For instance
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, a senior site engineer in a construction area who has been working for several years and understands the methods of construction. He not only can thoroughly explain it to the new generation but
also
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 provide them with a vision and knowledge. In conclusion, I strongly disagree with
this
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 viewpoint as the elderly not only provide a lot of knowledge to new young employers but
also
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 guide and supervise them.
Additionally
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,
this
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 leads them to be a good asset to the companies.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Task achievement
Make sure to provide clearer and more specific examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your position and make your essay more compelling.
Coherence and cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structure more to enhance the readability and flow of your essay. This can also show a higher level of language proficiency.
Coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. This will help the reader follow your arguments more easily.
Task achievement
You've provided a balanced view by considering opposing arguments, which strengthens your position.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with clear paragraphs each addressing a specific point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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