Some people argue that the retirement age should be raised significantly, given that average life expectancy has increased greatly. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Since nowadays humans live longer, there is a belief that we should start retirement later. Certainly,
medicine
Replace the word
medical
show examples
development delays death .
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I strongly support
to maintain
Change the verb form
maintaining
show examples
our current system because
above
Add the comma(s)
, above
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
certain age, we are not able to deal with the easiest responsibilities. Looking back in history, we can observe how, year by year, new solutions for health problems
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
been arising. We managed to cure
tremendous
Correct article usage
a tremendous
show examples
amount of diseases. Inventions
such
Linking Words
as penicillin and insulin saved thousands of
people
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, not only the quality of
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
lives
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
better, but
also
Linking Words
its length extended.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
phenomenon did not influence the retirement age.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, living longer does not mean staying in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good condition. Some
people
Use synonyms
suffer from very painful
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
symptoms. Despite being retired, they cannot fully enjoy the additional spare time they get.
For instance
Linking Words
, some need to employ the worker who would take care of them. Illnesses of joints, bones, heart and even serious memory problems are becoming more and more popular. It
arises
Correct your spelling
raises
show examples
the question whether we should increase the number of years
people
Use synonyms
work or not. If we force them to
so
Add a missing verb
do so
show examples
, we will put them in danger.
To sum up
Linking Words
, because of slower
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
, some argue that we should spend more years in the office.
As a consequence
Linking Words
of the present
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
system, the average life expectancy has grown.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
in my opinion, we should keep current settings since most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
are not able to do basic tasks without any support.
Submitted by Aga on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Expand on your examples more thoroughly to bolster your argument, providing specific statistics or real-life cases if possible.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more varied connective words and phrases to link your ideas smoothly, ensuring a natural flow in your essay.
Task Achievement
In your conclusion, restate your thesis more clearly and summarize your main points succinctly to reinforce your argument.
Task Achievement
Your essay offers a clear stance on the topic, which is consistent throughout the text.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the context for your argument, engaging the reader from the start.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have organized your ideas logically, with a clear progression from one paragraph to the next.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • economic sustainability
  • workforce participation
  • elderly population
  • pension schemes
  • inter-generational fairness
  • mandatory retirement
  • ageism
  • job market competition
  • financial security
  • age demographics
  • automation
  • social welfare
  • active aging
What to do next:
Look at other essays: