Some people argue that the retirement age should be raised significantly, given that average life expectancy has increased greatly. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Since nowadays humans live longer, there is a belief that we should start retirement later. Certainly,
medicine
development delays death . Replace the word
medical
Nevertheless
, I strongly support to maintain
our current system because Change the verb form
maintaining
above
Add the comma(s)
, above
the
certain age, we are not able to deal with the easiest responsibilities.
Looking back in history, we can observe how, year by year, new solutions for health problems Correct article usage
a
had
been arising. We managed to cure Wrong verb form
have
tremendous
amount of diseases. Inventions Correct article usage
a tremendous
such
as penicillin and insulin saved thousands of people
. Consequently
, not only the quality of people
lives Change noun form
people's
got
better, but Wrong verb form
get
also
its length extended. However
, this
phenomenon did not influence the retirement age.
On the other hand
, living longer does not mean staying in a
good condition. Some Correct article usage
apply
people
suffer from very painful aging
symptoms. Despite being retired, they cannot fully enjoy the additional spare time they get. Change the spelling
ageing
For instance
, some need to employ the worker who would take care of them. Illnesses of joints, bones, heart and even serious memory problems are becoming more and more popular. It arises
the question whether we should increase the number of years Correct your spelling
raises
people
work or not. If we force them to so
, we will put them in danger.
Add a missing verb
do so
To sum up
, because of slower aging
, some argue that we should spend more years in the office. Change the spelling
ageing
As a consequence
of the present health care
system, the average life expectancy has grown. Correct your spelling
healthcare
Although
in my opinion, we should keep current settings since most Correct word choice
However
of
older Change preposition
apply
people
are not able to do basic tasks without any support.Submitted by Aga
on
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Task Achievement
Expand on your examples more thoroughly to bolster your argument, providing specific statistics or real-life cases if possible.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more varied connective words and phrases to link your ideas smoothly, ensuring a natural flow in your essay.
Task Achievement
In your conclusion, restate your thesis more clearly and summarize your main points succinctly to reinforce your argument.
Task Achievement
Your essay offers a clear stance on the topic, which is consistent throughout the text.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the context for your argument, engaging the reader from the start.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have organized your ideas logically, with a clear progression from one paragraph to the next.