IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that sports competitions are a source of emotional stress for young people. Therefore, youth should be banned from participating in sports competition. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #sports #competitions #source #stress #youth #competition
Certain individuals believe that
sports
 activities can exacerbate the stress that youngsters face. From my perspective,
this
 is not true and there are a myriad of reasons
due to
 the positive impact on an individual's personality.
This
 essay will examine
further
 the reasons for
such
 an opinion.
To begin
 with, the
sports
 competitions act as
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
 activities and kids engage in them because they feel entertained by participating in these events.
For example
, a study suggests that kids who took part in the games at their school performed better than those who never participated.
Thus
, it indicates that games act as stress relievers. So, the children who participate in
sports
 are better at pressure management of exams.
Furthermore
, participation in
sports
 acts as a leverage to improve confidence and reduce shyness.
For example
, in
India
Add a comma
India,
show examples
 many
sports
 personalities became actors, comedians and models after they retired from their game. It was noticeable that their performance in front of an audience
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 quite better than any experienced person
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 that field because they knew how to handle competition and their abilities helped them to increase their income.
To conclude
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
 competitions are not only stress busters but
also
 a great way to improve confidence and
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 overcome many hurdles which people face when they embark on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
extraordinary journeys.
Thus
, I believe these provide an advantage for a sportsperson over others.
Submitted by Kiran on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction Clarity
Ensure to introduce the main point clearly in the introduction for better clarity.
Diverse Examples
In the body paragraphs, try including a wider range of supporting examples for a more robust argument.
Cohesive Devices
Try using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your essay.
Structure
Excellent structure with a clear introduction, developed body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion.
Use of Examples
Effectively used specific examples to support main points.
Engagement
Good engagement with the topic, providing a comprehensive response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!