IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today’s world, a number of
people
Use synonyms
 rely on the
internet
Use synonyms
 and
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 to transfer
money
Use synonyms
 to friends, family and businesses. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is a positive development because it is convenient, and it is not dangerous.
Firstly
Linking Words
, transferring
money
Use synonyms
 by using the
internet
Use synonyms
 and smartphones is more convenient .
In other words
Linking Words
, with technological development ,
people
Use synonyms
 can have access to many bank apps easily, so they do not need to go to the banks directly to transfer their
money
Use synonyms
 to other parties.
For example
Linking Words
, in Saudi Arabia,
people
Use synonyms
 do not need to go to the common banks,
such
Linking Words
 as Al-rajhi Bank because all the
transactions
Use synonyms
 can be done at home easily, making
people
Use synonyms
 feel comfortable avoiding the jams and hot weather.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will save their time and give them more opportunities to do their other businesses.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it is not dangerous.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, when
people
Use synonyms
 use the
internet
Use synonyms
 and smartphones, they are not required to travel on dangerous roads and unsafe areas.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, most
people
Use synonyms
 are afraid of being robbed, so having online
transactions
Use synonyms
 is the best in
this
Linking Words
 case.
For instance
Linking Words
, in China, the number of thieves around the banks has reduced significantly since
people
Use synonyms
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
started using bank apps because
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to do their
transactions
Use synonyms
 in their comfort zones.
As a result
Linking Words
, relying on technology has become a safe option to conduct daily
transactions
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I believe that transferring
money
Use synonyms
 to friends, family and businesses by using
Use synonyms
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 and smartphones is a positive development
due to
Linking Words
 its convenience and low risks
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 If everyone relied on technology, it would help them have easy and save lives.
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider adding a counterargument to acknowledge the potential negatives of using smartphones and the internet for money transfers and refute it. This will strengthen your position and provide a more thorough evaluation.
coherence cohesion
Ensure to slightly vary the vocabulary and phrasing to enhance readability and maintain engagement. For instance, instead of saying 'will save their time,' consider 'saves time' or 'conserves time.'
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and easy to follow, with clear introduction and conclusion that wraps up your argument neatly.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples from Saudi Arabia and China, which strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: