IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that it is not possible to be happy without money, while others think that money does not guarantee happiness. Discuss both these views and give our own opinion.

#people #money #guarantee #happiness
It is argued that
happiness
 cannot be assured without
money
,
while
 others
said
Wrong verb form
say
show examples
 that
money
 is not provided any assurity for
this
.
Although
 the latter opinion can be true in some cases, I believe that cash plays a more important role in contentment. On the
one
 hand, some individuals argue that
funds
 do not provide
promise
Correct article usage
the promise
show examples
Change preposition
of
show examples
contentment. To live life happily,
one
 needs relationships, love and emotional well-being and all these things cannot be bought with the help of
hard earned
Add a hyphen
hard-earned
show examples
 cash. It is unable to solve
emotional
Correct article usage
the emotional
show examples
 problems of a person in the way
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 another human being sorts
this
.
For example
, people earn hefty amounts for
happiness
 but if they do not have any social life like family or friends,
then
this
 amount does not give them a reason to be happy.
However
,
money
 brings economic security which assures peace of mind.
On the other hand
, some individuals believe that it is impossible to be happy without
money
. Having a lot of
funds
 provides economic security which means
one
 needs not to
be worry
Change the verb form
worry
show examples
 about unforeseen emergencies or circumstances. It automatically reduces stress and increases
happiness
 because there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 no worries relating to cash.
For instance
, In
Britian
Correct your spelling
Britain
, a recent study shows that 90% of people
remains
Change the verb form
remain
show examples
 under stress and forget to be
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
happy
due to
 lack of
funds
 which they require for future uncertain events.
This
 demonstrates that
boatload
Correct article usage
a boatload
show examples
 of
funds
 are reason behind
happiness
. In conclusion,
although
funds
 do not provide assurance for contentment as they are unable to give emotional support, I firmly believe that
one
 cannot remain happy without
money
 because lack of it causes stress which results in sadness.
Submitted by Kirandeepkaur on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to add complexity and flow to your essay. This can make your points more engaging and dynamic.
Task Achievement
Clarify your stance in the introduction to guide your reader more effectively. While your opinion is present, making it distinct and memorable at the start can strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Use specific, detailed examples to support your claims. This strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive and relatable.
General
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and typos. Proofreading your work can greatly enhance its clarity and professional appearance.
Task Achievement
Try to explore both views more balancedly before presenting your conclusion. This ensures that you address the task's requirement to discuss both views comprehensively.
Coherence & Cohesion
You did well in presenting both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion. This structure is effective for this type of essay.
Task Achievement
Your conclusion succinctly restates your opinion and highlights why you believe money is essential for happiness, demonstrating good task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic security
  • enriching experiences
  • broaden horizons
  • emotional well-being
  • materialism
  • asset management
  • life satisfaction
  • fundamental needs
  • reduce stress
  • enabling experiences
  • emotional needs
  • accumulate wealth
  • never-ending cycle
  • subjective
  • multifaceted
What to do next:
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