IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays, developed technology allows us to have
their
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
 own smartphones.
However
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, people ,especially young
children
Use synonyms
, spend too much time to
use
Use synonyms
 it. In my opinion, there is a certain factor and the cons of
this
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 movement outweigh the pros of that.
Firstly
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, the main reason why some
children
Use synonyms
 tend to
use
Use synonyms
 their phones a lot is because of online chatting systems. Exsisting these applications leads them to communicate with others online, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 it easier, rather than face-to-face.
In addition
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, their fashions are typically immersed from online stars
such
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 as Youtubers and
Tiktokers
Correct your spelling
TikTok
.
Therefore
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,
children
Use synonyms
 cannot catch
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
up if they do not
use
Use synonyms
 their phones frequently, which they super hate.
However
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, relying too much on smart devices causes some issues both
physically
Change the word
physical
show examples
 and
mentally
Change the word
mental
show examples
. On the one hand, since young people merely do any
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 when they have a chat with others or purchase something online, they lose their muscles and
this
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 leads them to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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serious diseases. Childhood is crucial to
grow
Change the verb form
growing
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 up as a
heathy
Correct your spelling
healthy
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 individual, so people are going to be fat or unhealthy if they have awful habits
in
Change preposition
at
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 those ages.
On the other hand
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, there are numerous media on the internet
rather
Correct your spelling
other
show examples
 than academic articles or news,
thus
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 spending too much time
to
Change the verb form
using
show examples
use
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
small devices hardly makes
children
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 study their subjects
such
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 as mathematics and history.
Although
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 these majors are not always utilized
their
Change preposition
in their
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 future lives, the process
studying
Change preposition
of studying
show examples
 something is so significant when they start to work. All students need to
aquire
Correct your spelling
acquire
this
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 skill, so the time using smartphones should be restricted. In conclusion, there is one specific reason why young individuals recently spend numerous resources to
use
Use synonyms
 their phones.
Thus
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, I personally state that
this
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 movement
gives
Verb problem
has
show examples
 more harmful effects than useful to them.
Submitted by ryoga17.0325 on

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Introduction & Conclusion Clarity
Try to clarify your main ideas with more specificity and ensure your introduction and conclusion are clearly articulated to better frame your argument.
Relevant Specific Examples
Including more specific examples to support your points can make your argument stronger and more persuasive.
Sentence Structure & Transitions
Use varied sentence structures and transitions to improve the flow and coherence of your essay.
Task Engagement
You've engaged well with the topic by identifying a significant reason for children's excessive smartphone use and its consequences, showing a good understanding of the task.
Balanced Discussion
Your attempt to evaluate both sides of the argument demonstrates an effort to develop a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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