IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many working people get very little or no exercise, causing health problems. What are the causes and what is the solution to this problem.

#people #exercise #health
Recent statistics show that the average
time
 working individuals allocate to physical
exercise
 has decreased dramatically,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 could result in detrimental effects on their physical and mental health. In my opinion, modern lifestyles are probably responsible for
this
. There are some reasons why working people, especially employees do not take
exercise
 on a regular basis. Nowadays, the costs of living in big cities and metropolises have increased considerably, like expenditures related to housing, food, and transportation.
Therefore
, working people are obliged to work
fulltime
Correct your spelling
full-time
show examples
 and are not able to allocate their
time
 to
exercise
. Another important reason is that because of the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 distances between workplaces and residential areas, employees have to spend lots of their daily
time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 public transportation or their own vehicles commuting between two places. One of the most effective solutions is establishing health clubs or sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 in workplaces
such
 as public organizations and private companies
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and equipping them with related
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 equipment and swimming pool. If
this
 service has been offered at a reasonable price or even free, a large number of employees might be willing to get
exercise
. In conclusion,
although
, the challenges of the modern lifestyle
such
 as the high expenses of living and the necessity to work
fulltime
Correct your spelling
full-time
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 resulted in people
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 little or no
time
 to
exercise
, there are helpful ways to address
this
 problem and benefit from the positive consequences of getting
exercise
 in the society.
Submitted by arman802001 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea to improve clarity and understanding.
Task Achievement
Try to include more specific examples and data to support your points, enhancing the effectiveness of your argument.
General
Use a variety of sentence structures to improve the flow of your essay.
Structure
You successfully introduced the topic and provided a conclusion summarizing the main points.
Task Response
Your essay addresses the causes and solutions effectively, showing a good understanding of the task.
Coherence & Cohesion
The organization of your essay into paragraphs for causes and solutions helps in improving its readability.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: