IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #government #focus #pollution
There is a belief that concentrating on tackling
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lack of accommodation and the environmental
pollution
 level can reduce infection and disease. From my perspective, I agree with
this
 point of view and will demonstrate why it is true
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 essay.
Initially
, there are many
people
 dealing with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
homelessness
due to
 the significant increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the population which leads to housing problems. It is the main cause of
going up
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
number
 of
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sick currently,
however
, even
the
Correct word choice
as the
show examples
number
 grows, there is
not any
Rephrase
no
show examples
 accommodation for them to live and
treat
Wrong verb form
be treated
show examples
.
In other words
,
although
 the patients have a fever or are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sick, they do not have a good enough condition to treat and it leads to the
number
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 who get
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 illness
grow
Wrong verb form
growing
show examples
 up constantly and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 the sign of decreasing
number
 ones. Take Indian
people
 as a typical example here, in their country, wherever you go, you can see homeless
people
 who are sick and hungry but do not have enough access to medical treatment in any slums.
Thus
, the lack of accommodation can be a reason why the
number
 of
people
Correct pronoun usage
who falls
show examples
falls
Correct subject-verb agreement
fall
show examples
 sick increases continually if the government does not
address
Correct pronoun usage
address it
show examples
. Another point worth considering is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the increasing level of
pollution
 which can cause fever and infection in
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
. It is obvious that many
people
 have problems
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
repitoration
Correct your spelling
restoration
respiration
 and
lung
Fix the agreement mistake
lungs
show examples
as a consequence
 of the
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
show examples
 from factories and vehicles.
Moreover
, there is not only that, water
pollution
 is
also
 a cause of concern for serious diseases for human health. To exemplify,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 recent Vietnamese survey found that most
people
 in Vietnam have a health problem related to the
pollution
 of
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
.
Take
Wrong verb form
Taking
show examples
 all
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 into account, it cannot
deny
Wrong verb form
be denied
show examples
 that the housing problem and environmental
pollution
 are the main causes of growing up
infection
Change preposition
with infection
show examples
 and illness so the government should pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 solving them so as to
prevent
Correct pronoun usage
prevent them
show examples
.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Start your essay with a clearer introduction of the topic and your thesis statement. Make sure your reader understands what you will discuss.
structure
Provide more structure within paragraphs with topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph.
examples
Use examples more effectively by specifying how they directly support your argument. Consider adding more detailed examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments.
balance
Address counterarguments to provide a more balanced view and strengthen your own position. This can help in demonstrating task achievement more comprehensively.
cohesion
Use cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, in addition, however) more effectively to link ideas and paragraphs. This will help in improving the flow of your essay.
conclusion
Conclude your essay with a stronger summary of your arguments and restate your position. This provides clarity and reinforces your thesis.
content
You effectively discussed the significance of tackling housing and environmental issues to prevent illness.
examples
You included relevant examples from India and Vietnam, which helped illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!