IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There is an alarming trend in developed countries that a considerable number of
children
Use synonyms
 are getting obese.
This
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 issue, I argue, is not only a result of several key factors but
also
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 poses serious consequences for both the affected
children
Use synonyms
 and the countries they reside in. On the one hand, a substantial number of people think that the development of technology must be considered one of the main reasons for many
children
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Verb problem
apply
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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stay inactive.
Therefore
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, juveniles are reluctant to participate in activities encompassing playing football, running, and similar sports since they tend to play games with their iPads and computers, chat with their friends, and surf the net.
Consequently
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, remaining less active can cause them to become overweight, mentally deactivated, and socially isolated.
For example
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,
according to
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 a survey in the United States, the average time
children
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 and teenagers use their phones or computers has been estimated at around 3 hours, which causes them to stay sluggard as they do not have the opportunity to stay active.
However
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, a tremendous number of people believe that
this
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 inactivity can be controlled or, in some cases, prevented. Parents are considered to be the most important ones who can play a crucial role in
this
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 prevention and control as they can monitor the amount of time their youngsters spend playing games,
using
Correct word choice
and using
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computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
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 or mobile phones.
Furthermore
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, parents can determine a specific period of time for their
children
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 to use their electronic devices
as well as
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 encourage their kids to do exercise, go to a
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 class, go cycling, go swimming, go for a walk, and do similar activities.
For example
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, in the Netherlands, many families arrange a family evening by going out together, playing in the yard, and riding a bicycle together in order to motivate their
children
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 to activate both body and mind. In conclusion, considering the above-mentioned points, I agree with the notion that technology has caused some deteriorating issues worldwide, including obesity;
however
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, I believe that making a balance between utilizing and controlling technology can be the primary key to overcoming the problems it has caused.

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sentence structure
To further improve your essay, focus on varying your sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement. This can make your argument even more compelling.
vocabulary
Try to include a wider range of vocabulary to discuss the causes and effects more deeply. This will not only enrich your essay but also demonstrate a higher level of English language proficiency.
detailed examples
Consider introducing more detailed examples or statistics to support your argument. While the examples you provided are relevant, more specificity could strengthen your position.
task response
Your essay effectively addresses the task, providing a clear discussion on the causes and effects of childhood obesity in developed countries.
coherence and cohesion
You've established a coherent structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your arguments effortlessly.
use of examples
Your use of examples, such as the survey in the United States and practices in the Netherlands, effectively supports your main points and adds credibility to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • processed foods
  • fast food culture
  • screen time
  • metabolic disorders
  • healthcare expenditure
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative strategies
  • nutritional education
  • public health policy
  • body mass index (BMI)
  • emotional well-being
  • stigmatization
  • exercise regimen
  • eating habits
  • junk food
  • socioeconomic factors
  • health literacy
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