More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
There is an alarming trend in developed countries that a considerable number of
children
are getting obese. This
issue, I argue, is not only a result of several key factors but also
poses serious consequences for both the affected children
and the countries they reside in.
On the one hand, a substantial number of people think that the development of technology must be considered one of the main reasons for many children
Verb problem
apply
to
stay inactive. Fix the infinitive
apply
Therefore
, juveniles are reluctant to participate in activities encompassing playing football, running, and similar sports since they tend to play games with their iPads and computers, chat with their friends, and surf the net. Consequently
, remaining less active can cause them to become overweight, mentally deactivated, and socially isolated. For example
, according to
a survey in the United States, the average time children
and teenagers use their phones or computers has been estimated at around 3 hours, which causes them to stay sluggard as they do not have the opportunity to stay active.
However
, a tremendous number of people believe that this
inactivity can be controlled or, in some cases, prevented. Parents are considered to be the most important ones who can play a crucial role in this
prevention and control as they can monitor the amount of time their youngsters spend playing games, using
Correct word choice
and using
computer
or mobile phones. Fix the agreement mistake
computers
Furthermore
, parents can determine a specific period of time for their children
to use their electronic devices as well as
encourage their kids to do exercise, go to a sport
class, go cycling, go swimming, go for a walk, and do similar activities. Change the noun form
sports
For example
, in the Netherlands, many families arrange a family evening by going out together, playing in the yard, and riding a bicycle together in order to motivate their children
to activate both body and mind.
In conclusion, considering the above-mentioned points, I agree with the notion that technology has caused some deteriorating issues worldwide, including obesity; however
, I believe that making a balance between utilizing and controlling technology can be the primary key to overcoming the problems it has caused.Submitted by mojgan.sobhani on
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sentence structure
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vocabulary
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detailed examples
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task response
Your essay effectively addresses the task, providing a clear discussion on the causes and effects of childhood obesity in developed countries.
coherence and cohesion
You've established a coherent structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your arguments effortlessly.
use of examples
Your use of examples, such as the survey in the United States and practices in the Netherlands, effectively supports your main points and adds credibility to your argument.