IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A REPORT INDICATED THAT MANY CHILDREN BETWEEN 7 AND 11 SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WATCHING TELEVISION AND / OR PLAY VIDEO GAMES. HOW DOES THE PROBLEM AFFECT THE CHILDREN? WHAT MEASURES CAN BE TAKEN TO CONTROL IT?

#report #children #time #television #video #games #measures #control
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Now-a-days
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
, younger generations are addicted to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile phones. A survey mentioned that several kids from the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
7
Change preposition
of 7
show examples
to 11 invest more time
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 watching TV and/or video
games
. It causes several issues for their children but it is easy to solve. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the problem
along with
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 for
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 addiction. Children who watch television and video
games
 daily they affected by vision
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. It leads to
wear eye
Wrong verb form
wearing
show examples
glass
Fix the agreement mistake
glasses
show examples
 for lifelong and sometimes young
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
feels
Correct subject-verb agreement
feel
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
head pain or
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 many illnesses.
Moreover
, it reduces their thinking ability and cognitive skills. They do not focus on their skills constantly and it shows the result in academic marks.
For instance
,
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
 suggest to wear the blue ray glass
while
seeing
Verb problem
watching
show examples
 the TV and play
games
 for vision protection. The solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the problem is
parental
Replace the word
parents
show examples
 ought to set screen timing
limit
Fix the agreement mistake
limits
show examples
.
Then
 they can’t use the gadget for
sometimes
Correct your spelling
some time
show examples
.
For example
, In
app
Add an article
the app
show examples
 store, there is an app called locked that can be able to fix the timing for our requirements to use the specific application and it
prompt
Change the verb form
prompts
show examples
 the alert message after
duration
Correct article usage
the duration
show examples
 exit.
Additionally
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents should encourage their
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 to do physical activities
such
 as outdoor
games
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
leisure
Correct pronoun usage
their leisure
show examples
 time. it helps to increase the immune system for
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 life. In conclusion, parents should advise their
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 about the issue at
last
 and they want to spend more time with their young
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
.
Also
, they should give
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 positive impression to
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in physical entertainment.
Submitted by insighttribez on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
Try to introduce the topic more clearly and directly to guide the reader smoothly into your discussion. This will provide a stronger foundation for your essay.
Body Paragraphs
Ensure the main ideas are well-developed with more elaborated examples and explanations. This helps to support your points more convincingly.
Transitions
Pay attention to organizing your paragraphs with clear, logical transitions. This enhances the flow of your essay and connects your ideas more cohesively.
Language Use
Consider diversifying your vocabulary and sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and to demonstrate a wider range of language skills.
Supporting Evidence
Be mindful of avoiding generalizations and unsupported claims. Always try to back up your assertions with clear examples or evidence.
Grammar and Accuracy
Revisit the grammar basics to minimize errors that can distract from your message. Even minor mistakes can impact the clarity of your writing.
Task Response
The essay addresses both parts of the prompt - the problem and potential solutions, which shows a good understanding of the task requirements.
Conclusion
You've provided a conclusion that summarises the essay's main points, reinforcing your argument effectively.
Real-World Example
Using real-world examples, like the application that limits screen time, makes your argument more relatable and persuasive.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: