IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

#countries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #development
People
Change noun form
People's
show examples
 movement from rural areas to
cities
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 becoming popular in many countries across the globe. In my opinion,
this
 is a positive development because urbanization will reduce the
number
 of jobless
people
 and the fact that those
people
 tend to help their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 in terms of financial
matter
Fix the agreement mistake
matters
show examples
. Urbanization reduces the
number
 of
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
people
 in
countryside
Add an article
the countryside
show examples
.
People
 from urban areas
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
move to
cities
 to get better jobs for their living. In many developing countries, it is common for
people
, particularly
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation, to migrate to big
cities
 in order to have well-paid jobs or as
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
 workers in multinational companies. Recognizing that it is difficult for them to earn money in their hometown, they
then
 go to big
cities
for
this
 reason. Research found that urbanization has a significant role in reducing jobless
people
.
Therefore
, it is reasonable that in today's
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
 the
number
 of
people
 who live in
cities
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
 increased significantly compared to
previous
Add an article
the previous
show examples
 decade. Another reason is that
people
 who move from villages to
to
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
cities
 are more likely to assist their
family's
Change noun form
family
show examples
financial
Change the word
financially
show examples
. It means that they can allocate their monthly income
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their families for many objectives
such
 as paying
school
Change preposition
for school
show examples
 for their siblings.
Although
 there is an assumption that
sandwich
Correct article usage
the sandwich
show examples
 generation has a mental issue
due to
 the fact that they have to give their money to their families,
besides
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves, it is important to note that it shows that they can help their families.
For instance
, there are many entrepreneurs who have rural backgrounds. When they
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 successful businessmen, they usually help their family members, including other
people
 in their village,
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their education and sometimes bring them to
cities
 to become their employees.
Population
Add an article
The population
A population
show examples
 who move from
countryside
Add an article
the countryside
show examples
 to
cities
 will decrease the
number
 of rural
people
.
Due to
 the fact that
this
 movement reduces unemployment and
helping
Wrong verb form
helps
show examples
 family's
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
, I am of
opinion
Correct article usage
the opinion
show examples
 that
this
 is a positive development.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Grammar
Be mindful of grammatical errors and strive for accuracy in your writing to enhance clarity.
Sentence Structure
Consider varying your sentence structures to make your arguments more compelling and to maintain the reader's interest.
Detail
Incorporating more detailed examples or data could strengthen your argument, making your case more convincing.
Coherence
To improve coherence, make sure there are clear and logical connections between your ideas. Consider using transition words more effectively.
Structure
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will discuss, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument without introducing new ideas.
Task Response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing reasons why the trend is considered positive.
Structure
There is a good attempt to structure the essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps with the overall coherence and cohesion.
Supporting Examples
You provided examples to support your main points, which is excellent for task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
What to do next:
Look at other essays: