IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #friends #families #work
In the historical period we are living in, many
people
 are moving to another city or country that can give him/her a working opportunity. Regarding
this
 topic, there are different opinions in favour and contrast.
However
, in my opinion,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 outweigh
drawbakcs
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
. On one hand, a large part of the global population grows in places that do not offer any
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to them.
Therefore
, when
people
 become adults, they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 understand that moving away could give them better chances to live a good life.
In addition
, moving away from family and friends
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 could be an experience that leads the person to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
general growth, becoming more autonomous and responsible for his/her life.
Moreover
, living far from home
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can lead to the creation of new
network's
Change noun form
network
show examples
 connections and to
discover
Replace the word
discovery
show examples
different
Change preposition
of different
show examples
 cultures and backgrounds.
On the other hand
, some
people
 could be very nostalgic and they could have issues
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
making new friends.
Therefore
, they could feel lost in a new place, where they do not know anyone.
This
 could lead them to face the new work in a bad mood, which could
bring
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor performance.
Furthermore
,
parents
Correct article usage
the parents
show examples
 of the worker could have
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 issues.
This
 means they may have need of his/her presence in a location near them.
This
 could lead to future problems
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if the worker
is not be
Change the verb form
is not
show examples
 able to arrive on time.
To conclude
, I think that
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 overweight
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
. In fact, any human person should not be dependent on anyone else.
This
 means that everyone should make his/her experiences outside of their place, knowing new
people
 and growing humanly.
However
, it is good to come back home once in a
while
 to meet friends and family, who are one of the most important things
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our life.
Submitted by silvestriandrea.it on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Specific Examples
Make sure to support your main points with specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
Depth of Argument
Consider exploring both sides of the argument in more depth to provide a more nuanced discussion.
Grammar and Expression
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and enhance your overall expression.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your essay effectively introduces and concludes the topic, nicely framing the discussion.
Logical Structure
You've shown a good ability to logically structure your essay, guiding the reader through your points clearly.
Topic Understanding
Your essay reflects a strong understanding of the topic, presenting a clear stance with relevant (though could be more specific) examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
What to do next:
Look at other essays: