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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message.

#cultures #children #message
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It is common in most
cultures
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 to believe that if
children
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 are told to
work
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 hard, they will be able to achieve anything. There are pros and cons to
this
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 message conveyed by parents to
children
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. It could be harmful to the future of some
children
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whereas
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 others would thrive in their achievements. If the younger generation is constantly pressured to
work
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 hard in school and in
extra curricular
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extracurricular
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 activities, it could become a burden to them. They are in that age where they try to explore the world on their own and continuous pressure to
work
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 hard to achieve things in
life
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 will hinder their creativity and attitudes. As an example, if a
child
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 is constantly asked to
work
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 hard to get good grades in school, he or she will eventually become extremely competitive and be insensitive to other
peoples’
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people’s
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 feelings.
This
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 could result in making the
child
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 an outcast of the society.
Specially
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Especially
show examples
 in Asian
cultures
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, it is quite common to witness these situations.
On the other hand
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, it could be argued that
children
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 often lack motivation in their early stages of
life
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. In
such
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 a situation, advising the
child
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 to
work
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 hard to be able to achieve anything could come in handy.
Such
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 persuasion could motivate the
children
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 to do better in
life
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.
This
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 is mainly seen in
western
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Western
show examples
cultures
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 where the
child
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 gets to decide what to do in
life
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 with immense motivation from parents. As an example, if a
child
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 who is a football enthusiast, is told if he tries hard enough he could become a
world class
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world-class
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 football player, it could motivate him. Certain
cultures
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 believe in
persuasion
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the persuasion
show examples
 of
children
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 to
work
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 hard to achieve anything in
life
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. It could have huge benefits to most
children
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 if the message is delivered in the correct manner.
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Otherwise
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Otherwise,
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 it could damage a
child
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’s personality in the long run.
Submitted by amadisilva2 on

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example development
It's important to fully develop your examples to strengthen your argument. Make sure each example is closely linked to the point you're trying to make, adding detail and context where possible.
sentence variety
Consider varying your sentence structures to add complexity and flow to your essay. This can make your writing more engaging and easier to read.
introduction & conclusion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, working on a more impactful opening and a stronger, clearer conclusion could enhance your essay's overall effectiveness. Try to make your thesis statement more distinct and your conclusion more summarizing of the main points discussed.
balanced argument
You've done a good job of discussing both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
example support
Your main points are supported with examples, which helps in making your argument more convincing. Continuing to refine and expand on these will make your essay even stronger.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
What to do next:
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