IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered?

#people #job #income #security #money #factor #factors
In the modern era,
due to
increase
Correct article usage
the increase
show examples
 in prices of every essential thing
need
Wrong verb form
needed
show examples
 to
surive
Correct your spelling
survive
 a
majorit
Correct your spelling
majority
 of individuals insist that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 folks must take a
job
 which
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
 a good and stable salary to provide security to their family members. It is true that money is a very essential factor in choosing a
job
 and I agree with
this
 view.
Hence
, my stance is
further
 elaborated in the upcoming paragraphs
as well as
 several other things
must
Correct pronoun usage
that must
show examples
 be taken into consideration when applying for a
Job
. →
Firstly
, discussing the importance of why
income
 is a major factor
while
 looking for a workplace, the first and foremost point is that, nowadays
due to
 modernization of the world day by day, Writing has become much harder for common folks with a very low
income
.
For example
, food products are very costly compared to past years and humans can't live without
consumen
Correct your spelling
consuming
consume
 food, but in
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 era all things
ar
Correct your spelling
are
show examples
 costly and
due to
this
 a person must
work
 in a company which
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 suitable or more
income
require
Wrong verb form
required
show examples
 for living
Furthermore
, if a worker is earning a good amount of money,
then
 his family cam live peacefully without any worry . Apart from these, various
different
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
factors
also
 be considered when applying for
work
.
To begin
 with, people should
work
 in a legal area rather than in
Correct article usage
an illegal
show examples
illegal
Correct pronoun usage
illegal one
show examples
. To give an illustration, companies who manufacture drugs provide a large amount of
income
 to their
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
,
howeverthis
Correct your spelling
this
 is
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
illegal
work
 and it is considered
ban
Wrong verb form
banned
show examples
 in many countries
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
moreover
, the
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 of
this
 workplace can even get jailed for producing drugs.
Lastly
, reputation and trust must be considered
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 a company when applying for a
job
.
For instance
, many
work
place
Change to a plural noun
places
show examples
 don't provide
fixed
Add an article
a fixed
show examples
 amount of
income
 and
further
, they even
harrase
Correct your spelling
harass
harassed
 the
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 by making them
work
 overtime. Conclusively, it is true that money is a necessary factor for choosing a
job
 so, people can provide essential things to their families,
in
contrast
Add the comma(s)
contrast,
show examples
 important other factors must be taken into account
such
 as
reputation
Add an article
the reputation
show examples
 of a
job
.
Submitted by akshayashvi07 on

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Language Accuracy
Ensure to proofread your essay for typographical and grammatical errors, as consistent errors can detract from the clarity of your arguments.
Language Range
Try to use a variety of complex sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate language proficiency.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that your ideas transition smoothly from one to the next.
Task Response
Incorporate more specific examples to support your points. This adds strength to your arguments and makes them more convincing.
Detail & Development
Clarify and expand on your points rather than briefly mentioning them. Each paragraph should explore its main idea in depth.
Task Response
You provided a clear opinion and elaborated on it, which is good for task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of the essay, including an introduction and conclusion, helps in organizing the discussion effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • job satisfaction
  • fulfillment
  • mental health
  • aligns with
  • productive career
  • career progression
  • growth potential
  • work-life balance
  • flexible hours
  • telecommuting
  • vacation time
  • professional responsibilities
  • working environment
  • corporate culture
  • toxic environment
  • stress and burnout
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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