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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts show school expenditure and the proportion of students who gained higher education diplomas and degrees in Singapore from 2000 to 2012.

The charts show school expenditure and the proportion of students who gained higher education diplomas and degrees in Singapore from 2000 to 2012.
The bar
graph
Use synonyms
indecates
Correct your spelling
indicates
 the ratio of
school
Use synonyms
 spending,
while
Linking Words
 the pie
graph
Use synonyms
 illustrates the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of students who achieved degree and diploma qualifications in higher education in Singapore over
12-year
Correct your spelling
12 years
 between 2000 and 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
 , It is clear from the bar
graph
Use synonyms
 that the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
cost of
school
Use synonyms
 in Singapore grew significantly.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it can be observed from the pie
graph
Use synonyms
 that the
Correct your spelling
percentage
persentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of students who got diplomas
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 more than got
degree
Correct article usage
a degree
show examples
 With regard to
bar
Add an article
a bar
the bar
show examples
 chart , about boys , there was a sharp increase in the expenditure of
school
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 from under 10
million
Use synonyms
 to more than 30
million
Use synonyms
 between 2000 to 2012. From 2000 to 2004 , the girls’ data went up gradually from around 7
million
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 to approximately 12
million
Use synonyms
 units. During the period from 2004 to 2008 , the cost of
school
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 remained unchanged.
Then
Linking Words
 , there was a substantial rise between 2008 and 2012 from 12
million
Use synonyms
 to 20
million
Use synonyms
.
Accrording
Correct your spelling
According
 to
pie
Add an article
the pie
a pie
show examples
 chart , between 2000 and 2012 , the statistics of
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
 decreased from 0,73 to 0,68 units .
Whereas
Linking Words
, there was a climb in the
comparion
Correct your spelling
comparison
 of
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
 from 0,27 to 0,32 units.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words graph, school, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 4 times.
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