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Band 4.5

what are the advantages and disadvantages of changing your career?

#career
What are the advantages and disadvantages of changing your career? One of the widely discussed
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
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 nowadays is replacing
occupation
Correct article usage
the occupation
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 of
person
Add an article
a person
the person
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 during human life.
This
 essay will contain both sides of
this
 certain topic and is going to be fully discussed. The advantage of changing
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 which is made up wisely leads to
find
Wrong verb form
finding
show examples
 yourself in
this
 life.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 there is a demerit associated with increasing the rank of the employee. On the one hand, the majority of people do not know what to do in their existence, even adults.
That is
 why one of the beneficial
choice
Change to a plural noun
choices
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 is related
with
Change preposition
to
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 changing their jobs and
decide
Wrong verb form
deciding
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 which is the best
suits
Fix the agreement mistake
suit
show examples
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them. To exemplify
this
 statement, the founder of world-renowned fast-food company Mcdonalds Rey Crock
have been
Wrong verb form
has
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 tried so many different jobs
starts
Wrong verb form
starting
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 with selling mixers until his breakthrough with Mcdonalds at over 50 years old. It means he turned into
other sphere
Change the wording
another sphere
other spheres
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 of job and achieved incredible success.
On the other hand
, there is a group of employment which requires work experience
such
 as
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
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,
policeman
Fix the agreement mistake
policemen
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,
military
Correct word choice
and military
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. Precisely, more worked years more experience which has
significant
Add an article
a significant
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 role in giving certain rank. Unfortunately, frequent job changes will interfere
to
Change preposition
with to
show examples
 go
up
Change preposition
apply
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of
job
Correct article usage
a job
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 career.
For example
, in order to get a new rank as a school teacher there is
requirement
Add an article
a requirement
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such
 as two years
work
Change preposition
of work
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 experience in school. In conclusion, there are own cons and pros related to
this
 topic. Finding self-way is the best feeling throw searching and changing workplaces.
Also
 if salary makes sense (which depends on ranks) for
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 some employers demand stability of their employees.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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Introduction Clarity
It's important to have a clear and direct introduction that outlines the discussion points. Consider starting with a more straightforward statement about the pros and cons of changing careers.
Linking Words
Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. This will improve the flow and coherence of your essay.
Paragraph Development
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea and is fully developed. Expanding on your advantages and disadvantages with more detail and examples could strengthen your argument.
Topic Sentences
Ensure that there are clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your essay. This helps in organizing your thoughts and highlighting your main points more effectively.
Grammar and Sentence Structure
Work on grammar and sentence structure to minimise errors and improve clarity. Practising complex sentence construction can enhance the sophistication of your writing.
Relevant Examples
You provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the story of Ray Kroc, which strengthens your argument.
Task Response
You successfully covered both advantages and disadvantages of changing careers, fulfilling the task's requirements.
Conclusion
The conclusion summarizes the main points well, restating the advantages and disadvantages discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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