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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992.

The graph below shows radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992.
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The chart below illustrates the audience of
radio
Use synonyms
 and
television
Use synonyms
 in the United Kingdom from October to December
in
Change preposition
apply
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1992.
Overall
Linking Words
, it seems that the most valuable time for listening to the
radio
Use synonyms
 was in the morning,
while
Linking Words
 the most significant
percent
Replace the word
percentage
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 of watching
television
Use synonyms
 occurred in the afternoon close to midnight.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in the morning at 6 o'clock,British listeners preferred
radio
Use synonyms
 to
television
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
at
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 7% and
television
Use synonyms
 starting at 0%. From 8 to 12
o’clock
Add a comma
o’clock,
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 the quantity of listeners'
radio
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased sharply from 10 to 28 %,
then
Linking Words
 slowly decreased.
In contrast
Linking Words
,the percentage of
television
Use synonyms
audience
Fix the agreement mistake
audiences
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 fluctuated from 0 to 5 % in the same period,setting around 6 % at noon. From noon to midnight the
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of the
radio
Use synonyms
 audience decreased dramatically from 18 % to 8 percent.
However
Linking Words
, the percentage of viewers sharply increased from 8% to 18% and soared from 18% to 45 %. From ten o'clock the line of viewers decreased dramatically from 45 % to 4 %,
while
Linking Words
 the listeners of
radio
Use synonyms
 remained at
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
show examples
 proportion,around 3%, with
television
Use synonyms
 viewers

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words radio, television with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
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