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Band 5.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
It is argued that the trend of how kids use
technology
 in their leisure moments has more benefits than downsides. I totally agree with
this
 statement. The development of
technology
 has improved some aspects
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our lives, and joining the
technology
 era can boost our children's skills.
Technology
 has made our daily tasks simpler and easier. When it comes to the student's daily activities, the growth of the use of
technology
 has significant effects on study time efficiency. Students can collect data quicker than ever using the internet. Whenever they need sources for their essays, they can immediately go and surf the websites. They
also
 easily learn about
another countries
Replace the adjective
another country
other countries
show examples
 using 3D modelling or satellite images from Google Earth.
Moreover
, young people can develop their abilities or hobbies
in
particular
Add an article
a particular
the particular
show examples
 subject using
technology
. They have easy access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
videos that supply many tutorials on anything. It happens to my daughter and son. My firstborn loves dancing and cooking. She will definitely search on
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 about how to dance like her favourite celebrities, how to make delicious pizza using limited ingredients in the kitchen, and so on.
On the other hand
, her brother is fond of playing games. By using Scratch, a free tool that has been developed by MIT, he not only spends his free time as
player
Add an article
a player
show examples
 on games but
also
 as a builder. Scratch gives him the opportunity to try building a game. He can put all of his
imaginations
Fix the agreement mistake
imagination
show examples
 and
creativities
Replace the word
creativity
show examples
 there. In
conclucion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the way
technology
 expands has
pivotal
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a pivotal
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 role in our lives, and it improves our children's abilities. I predict that
this
 development will
be continued
Wrong verb form
continue
show examples
 and
impacts
Wrong verb form
will impact
show examples
 more aspects in the future.
Submitted by mayaanita.studi on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Be sure to introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that indicates the main idea, and ensure each paragraph focuses on this idea without digression.
Task Achievement
Expand your examples by explaining how they support your argument more deeply, adding depth to your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Focus on the development of your ideas throughout the paragraphs to ensure a smooth flow of information and a strong connection between them.
General
Carefully proofread your essay to catch any typographical or grammatical errors, ensuring clarity and professionalism in your writing.
Task Achievement
You effectively use specific examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, offering a strong start and finish to your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a logical structure, making your argument easy to follow and understand.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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