IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think advertising may have positive economic effects. Others think it has negative social effects because advertising makes individuals not satisfied with what they are and what they have. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #effects #individuals
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Currently, there is growing awareness regarding the positive communication and negative sides of advertising. Some folks believe that advertisements are beneficial for economic development,
while
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 I believe that it has worse effects on society.
Firstly
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, from my perspective of view, advertisements are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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 young people, who have not built up grown-up minds. In order to attract more individuals to watch propaganda, some unrealistic but exciting plots will be shown in the videos.
For example
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, Nike will promote its new shoes in
Add an article
an
the
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announcement by displaying that athletes can do dangerous jumps and other highly-skilled movements after wearing them, which hints that Nike shoes have better performance. Teenagers might be misled and try their best to do some cool things in Nike shoes on the playground.
However
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, they are not as skilled as sportsmen and
thus
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 they might
be got
Wrong verb form
get
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 hurt. The same logic can be applied to vehicles, some citizens might be motivated by
high
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the high
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 speed of Benzi cars and imitate the
ads
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 to drive very fast regardless of their own safety on the road.
Secondly
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, it is likely that advertisements will deceive people into buying something they really do not need. Some emotional girls might be moved by romantic stories in
ads
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 and ask their
husband
Fix the agreement mistake
husbands
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 or boyfriends
purchase
Fix the infinitive
to purchase
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 some unnecessary but lavish diamonds and bags on impulse to show their love. But they have already got enough bags and diamonds in their bedroom and their boyfriends need to use money for more significant things. And
thus
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this
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 kind of act will
further
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 break their relationships. Admittedly, propaganda has
bright
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a bright
the bright
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 side on the economy. It could help individuals locate what they really need by building a bridge between the customers and sellers. After using the product of
this
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 brand, customers who
watched
Wrong verb form
watch
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ads
Use synonyms
 will spread the characteristics of it by word-of-mouth and an increasing number of people will come to buy
this
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 kind of product if it’s good enough.
Therefore
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, the economy will be boomed and the employees in the sellers’ company will earn enough salary and bonus. All in all, there are both advocates and drawbacks of propaganda, I still hold a firm belief that the dark sides of
ads
Use synonyms
 on society outweigh the bright sides of the economy.
Submitted by yunfei.ji on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs more effectively.
Task Achievement
Ensure to directly address the essay prompt in your introduction to clearly present your viewpoint and how you plan to discuss the topic.
Task Achievement
Try to include a more balanced discussion on both views before concluding with your opinion to fully address the task.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on the variation in sentence structures to enhance readability and flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Pay attention to the specificity of examples - while your examples are relevant, making them more detailed can strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear opinion which is maintained throughout, addressing the key aspects of the task requirement.
Task Achievement
You have attempted to use examples to support your points, which helps to illustrate your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of your essay with separate paragraphs for each main idea helps in following your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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