IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The pie chars below show the devices people in the 18 to 25 age group use to watch television in Canada in two different years.

#chars #show #devices #people #age #group #television #canada #two #years
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pie charts illustrate six different electrical appliances (
mobil
Correct your spelling
mobile
 phones, laptops,
tablets
,desktop computers ,
Flat-screen
TVs
,and conventional
TVs
)which were used to watch TV in Canada by teenagers aged between 18-
25
Correct word choice
and 25
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 years in 2009 and 2019
Overall
, conventional
TVs
 were the most used devices in the first year,
while
 in the second year, it was
flat-screen
TVs
.
Tablets
 were used the least in 2009,
whereas
 in 2019, it was conventional
TVs
 .There was a rapid decrease in the percentage of conventional
TVs
 ,laptops,and desktop computers, yet a dramatic increase can be seen in the figure for mobile phones,
tablets
, and
flat-screen
TVs
. With regards to the number of teenagers who used conventional
TVs
 in Canada, it accounted for a third (34%) in 2009 and
this
then
 dropped to 4% in 2019.
Similarly
, in the case of laptops , they made up 20% in 2009,
nevertheless
, they went down to 12% in 2019. The was
also
 a downward trend in the case of desktop computers by 6 %.
On the other hand
, the usage of
tablets
 comprised 5% in 2009, but it improved to 19% in 2019.
Likewise
, mobile phones accounted for 26%
afther
Correct your spelling
after
 which it rose by 11 %. Meanwhile,
flat-screen
TVs
 climbed from 8% in 2009 to 27% in 2019.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Grammar and Complexity
Ensure to variegate your sentence structures to enhance readability and to demonstrate a wide range of grammar.
Linking Words and Phrases
Although your essay presents clear information, try to incorporate a wider variety of linking phrases to better connect ideas and segments for improved flow.
Conclusion
Consider including a brief conclusion or summary at the end to neatly wrap up your analysis, reinforcing the main trends observed.
Task Achievement
Your essay successfully identifies and compares the main trends across the two years, providing a comprehensive overview of the data.
Data Presentation
You effectively use percentages and compare data points, offering a clear picture of the changes over time.
Structure
The organization of your essay into paragraphs for each category of device usage is logical and aids coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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