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Band 7

Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#workers #doctors #nurses #teachers #contribution #society #sports #entertainment #personalities
The significance of contribution has been highlighted over the past decades. From
this
 aspect, questions about whether professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than
sports
 and
entertainment
 personalities arise. In my opinion, professional
employees
 should be paid more to some extent. Irrefutably, professional
employees
 have advanced skills.
This
 is because, unlike
sports
 and
entertainment
 personalities, expert industries require particular certifications that are bachelor’s degree, license, and internship experience.
This
 obviously leads those who want to work at specialised workplaces to struggle with enormous study and
this
 in turn results in having a wide range of specialised knowledge and experiences. What is more,
although
 there are heavy burdens of social obligation, professional
employees
 have social responsibilities. In actual fact, social studies undertaken by experts have revealed that medical experts like doctors and nurses strive to treat patients who suffer from diseases that are general or severe, so a majority of individuals would receive specialised medical services that lead to a healthy life.
Nevertheless
, financial rewards should be determined by social demands.
In other words
, the public highly
pursue
Change the verb form
pursues
show examples
 personal
enjoyments
Fix the agreement mistake
enjoyment
show examples
, they invest a great deal of money to support
sports
 and
entertainment
 personalities, so those who work in
sports
 and
entertainment
 industries bring about huge profits that are financial, social, and national compared to professional experts. To recapitulate, financial rewards should be determined by social demands, but professional
employees
 have advanced skills and professional
employees
 have social responsibilities.
Thus
, professional
employees
 should be paid more.
Submitted by subin12260 on

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task achievement
To strengthen your argument, provide more specific examples that clearly demonstrate the impact or value of professionals like doctors, nurses, and teachers compared to sports and entertainment personalities.
coherence & cohesion
Work on ensuring a smoother flow and transition between paragraphs. Connecting phrases and signpost language can help guide the reader more clearly through your argument.
task achievement
You've done well to present a balanced view, acknowledging both sides of the argument before stating your own position.
coherence & cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively constructed, providing a clear thesis statement and summarizing your argument well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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