IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some believe that the Olympic games help bring people from different nations together, while others claim that holding the Olympics wastes money which could be used for important issues.

#believe #olympic #games #people #nations #olympics #wastes #money
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Some
people
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 may argue that organizing the Olympics may be a waste of money, which is controversial to bridge the gap between nations. From
this
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 author’s perspective, the waste of money can be meaningless when compared to the benefit of being closer to different countries.
Firstly
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, there is an undeniable point that the
Olympic
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games
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 could bring some economic disadvantages for the
country
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 organizing
due to
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 the exorbitant building in the events. Obviously, because of the expensive amenities for the events
such
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 as the conditional sports venue or the equipment for
athletes
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, the host
country
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 needs to spend over a billion dollars.
Moreover
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, some sports avenues may need to be more useful when the
Olympic
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games
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finished
Wrong verb form
finish
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due to
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 the characteristic features of sports.
For instance
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, during the Brazil
Olympic
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Games
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 in 2016, the authority spent over 12,2 billion dollars which was enormous even governments asking support from UNCDF.
However
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, there are more benefits to the
country
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 when governments can take advantage of being closer to national
people
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 like having an increase in income from tourism or creating a good reputation for future foreign investment.
However
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, the
Olympic
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games
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 can be an advantageous opportunity for collaboration for countries around the world. When
athletes
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 join in the most popular international event, they have a chance to interact with other
people
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 to explore their skills or culture.
Furthermore
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, some talented
athletes
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 can have the opportunity of being invited by some famous clubs which can provide them with a lot of foundation to develop their career.
For example
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, Cristiana Ronaldo was invited to compete for Al Nassr, which provided him with twice his salary than his former salary. In conclusion,
although
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 the
Olympic
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games
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 can have a negative effect on the economy of the host
country
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, they can help bridge the gap between nations for
athletes
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 which brings
people
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 a lot of benefits for the future.
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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed logically. While your ideas are coherent, deeper elaboration on some points could enhance clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to integrate a wider variety of sentence structures to demonstrate linguistic flexibility and sophistication in expressing ideas.
Task Achievement
To further improve task achievement, ensure that each argument directly addresses the prompt with a clear stance throughout the essay. Including more specific, varied examples could also enhance the argument's persuasiveness and relevance.
Introduction & Conclusion
You effectively introduced and concluded the essay, clearly presenting your viewpoint which establishes a strong framework for your arguments.
Supported Main Points
You successfully used examples, like the reference to the Brazil Olympic Games, to support your main points, contributing to a well-supported argument.
Complete Response
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, fulfilling the task's requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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