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Writing Samples
Band 6

For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but is a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #form #entertainment #development
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Nowadays, society argues that shopping is not only about purchasing what is pivotal but
also
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 a kind of leisure activity. I believe that people need to shop on a daily basis, yet they simply want to go sightseeing, and both have positive and negative developments.
Initially
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, most citizens in the modern era have to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
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 their demands by procuring goods so they can survive.
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Although
Correct word choice
However
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,
for
Change preposition
apply
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some, which is the middle-low class of
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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focus on what is necessary.
Furthermore
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, they always manage to balance both income and consumption;
for instance
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, the mother should organize the food supply by retailing regularly to ensure family nutrition. In another story, the father must choose between paying a child's school fee or a new stick of golf. To be wise, he prioritizes his family
first,
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later saving for a new sports collection. It is an example of positive enhancement.
On the other hand
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, the middle-high group uses retail therapy as a form of recreation and has a desire to buy goods to show their status.
Moreover
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, these people are willing to spend a lot of money to get exclusive items;
for example
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngster pushes their limits to get the newest gadget, even though it is redundant. The socialites compete with each other to get the most expensive bag without caring about saving.
As a result
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, the rise in consumerism has a negative impact on our culture. In conclusion, for a good future, our new generation should practice the habit of thinking before buying to pick the substantial ones rather than waste resources just for pleasure, but we can stabilize both roles in a smart way.
Submitted by mayaanita.studi on

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Task Achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and directly relates back to the essay question to strengthen task response.
Task Achievement
Introduce more specific examples to support your points, this will enrich your argument and enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures and linking words to improve the flow and cohesion of your essay.
Language Use
Review the use of tenses and subject-verb agreement to eliminate minor grammatical errors.
Structure
Well-organized paragraphs with a clear introduction and conclusion.
Content Depth
Effective use of a balanced perspective to discuss both positive and negative aspects.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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