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Band 5

In some countries, people these days spend little time with their children. What band are the causes of this? Whom does this affect more, parents or children?

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Because of technological advances, nowadays,
parents
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 tend to spend
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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less time with their
children
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 which is becoming a debatable topic. In my
Linking Words
further
Correct word choice
next
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paragraph
Add a comma
paragraph,
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 I will give the causes and effects of
this
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 problem.             There are a variety of factors which have led to negative influences on most families. One of the major
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
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 is that
parents
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 have to work for long hours in order to create a better life.
This
Linking Words
 is because the cost of living has significantly increased and people are more eager to make enough money for their family.
Besides
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 that, these days,
parents
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 are more addicted to electronic devices,
such
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 as mobile phones or computers
together with
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 their
children
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.
This
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 turned out not to manage their time properly. These cases would come into effect for family relations adversely.
For instance
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,
children
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 will become more aggressive and rude and their attitude towards their
parents
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 is unappreciated by virtue of having not enough care and attention
of
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apply
show examples
them. What's more, another point to consider is that the dependence
of
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on
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 technological appliances would impact
on
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apply
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not only
parents
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' health and behaviour but
also
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children
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's character and fitness level desperately.
As a consequence
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, both suffer from dangerous diseases,
such
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 as stress, eye problems, obesity and
diabete
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diabetes
. In conclusion, taking everything into account, I tend to give my perspective that
parents
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 should control their time management for their family and work. Another solution which should be taken action is how to bond effective relationships with their
children
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 and how to avoid the addiction
of
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to
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internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 and develop their manners in the right way. These are successful approaches for both
parents
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 and youngsters.

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Introduction Clarity
Ensure your introduction provides a clear overview of the essay topic and outlines your position or perspective.
Example Specificity
Consider adding more specific examples to support your main points. Real-world cases or hypothetical scenarios add depth and clarity.
Paragraph Structure
Keep paragraphs well-organized with clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence.
Linking Words
Mind the transitions between sentences and paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas. Using linking words and phrases can help to connect your ideas more clearly.
Sentence Variety
Work on varying your sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and dynamic. Mix simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout.
Task Response
You've effectively addressed both parts of the prompt, discussing the causes and who is more affected.
Conclusion Strength
You have successfully concluded your essay, summarizing your main points and providing a clear stance on the issue.
Aspect Insight
Your essay engages with the topic thoughtfully, demonstrating an understanding of the complexity of the issue.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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