IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Most countries spend much money on education as they start to realise the importance of education. In your opinion which two subjects are the most important and which one is the least important?

Investing more money in education
due to
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 its necessity is considered by many nations. In my opinion,
mathematics
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 and
history
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 are two essential
field
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fields
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 that require more attention as they assist learners in getting highly paid jobs and doing basic calculations;
however
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,
music
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 should be considered the least important because it does not require that much effort since it is not taken by a lot of learners as a subject. Admittedly, for performing basic calculations in every aspect of life,
such
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 as counting salaries or working as a businessman, the masses need
mathematics
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, which makes it a non-negotiable subject in the education system.
Moreover
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, most of the highly-paid jobs these days,
such
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 as architects, interior designers or even pilots, rely on trigonometry and without that, it is impossible to survive in today's world.
For example
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, most of the illiterate
people
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 working in different companies get betrayed by their employers in terms of payments only because of not lack of skills to calculate and count their money.
In addition
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 to
this
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, having
history
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 as a crucial course is mandatory, as it keeps
people
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 connected to their roots, which
further
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 leads to having a vast knowledge of working in and around their ancestors.
Moreover
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, obtaining knowledge about the past mistakes of their ancestors helps them reduce or avoid repeating those in their lives.
On the other hand
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,
music
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 should be given the least importance, as it does not give them exposure of many opportunities, and it's not even considered by most of the
people
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 who are currently studying. To exemplify, in Asian countries, there are fewer schools which are offering
music
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due to
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 a large number of students choosing
mathematics
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 and
history
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 as their options to study.
Consequently
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,
mathematics
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 and
history
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 ought to be given more importance apart from
music
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. In conclusion,
history
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 connects
people
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 to their cultures and helps them identify their identities,
whereas
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mathematics
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 assists them in solving their daily life calculations and opens more scope in their lives, so these must be considered as mandatory to give more attention to.
Nevertheless
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,
music
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 is a relaxation and not a lot of students are interested in opting for that, so it should be given less importance.

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the overall structure of your paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points, especially for the subject of history.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using simpler language in some areas to improve clarity.
task achievement
You provided a clear opinion on the subjects that are important and least important.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant arguments and reasons to support your views on mathematics and history.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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