Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion.
Some
people
argue that having more money
is better than having free time
while
some individuals
say that free time
helps people
lose stress and provides them with self-confidence.
Recently, some individuals
claim that having more money
provides people
with several advantages
. It helps them to be independent and have the best life quality with financial independence. For example
, when a person works and earns money
by having the money
, they feel confident, moreover
, working leads them to make a timetable and be punctual. for instance
, part-time
work leads people
to arrive at their jobs on time
. Consequently
, having more money
provides individuals
with different advantages
.
However
, Free time
helps people
to have several positive influences on their lives. it means that Free time
leads them to communicate with friends and family. In addition
, during association people
might share some ideas that will raise their awareness and make their future schedule. For instance
, when the UN has a session about global issues such
as politics, discussing the following problem leads people
to make their future timetable. Therefore
, having free time
provides residents with various advantages
.
To conclude
, some populations argue that having more money
helps individuals
with multiple advantages
. While
there are some claims that free time
provides people
with a better future timetable and punctuality in their personal lives.Submitted by hsmkashi on
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Task Response
You've nicely outlined both viewpoints and made an effort to discuss them. However, your essay would benefit from a clearer statement of your own opinion. Make sure to explicitly state your stance in the conclusion to fully meet the task requirement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to organize your essay with clearer paragraphing and use a range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more fluently. This will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
Task Achievement
Introducing more specific examples and elaborating on your points with more detail can add depth to your argument. This will strengthen your essay by providing clear evidence to support your discussion.
Introduction
Your introduction sets up the discussion well, indicating that you will consider both sides of the argument.
Logical Structure
You have a logical structure that outlines the advantages of having more money and the benefits of free time, showing an understanding of both viewpoints.
Conclusion
The conclusion attempts to summarize the discussion, though it could be stronger with a clear declaration of your personal viewpoint.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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