IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that zoos are cruel and all the zoos should be closed. However,other people think that zoos are useful to protect the rare animals. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is often considered by some menageries are inhuman and should be banned by governments
while
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 there are people who disagree with
this
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 and think
zoos
Use synonyms
 are helpful to protect endangered
species
Use synonyms
.
While
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 some support their opinion with reasonable arguments like numerous animals suffer in cramped cages and are not looked after correctly , others consider the animal collection a safe place for breeding and important to increase public knowledge and affection for the environment and I rely on their arguments.
This
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 essay will discuss two side views. The public who protest captivating and exhibiting fauna at the cages count on some undeniable reasons.
Firstly
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, Captivity causes distress to beasts and shortens their life expectancy than wildlife. Because the numerous pathogens and effects lead to some ailment that does not appear in nature .
In addition
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, there is
such
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 a viewpoint,
zoo
Correct word choice
that zoo
show examples
 workers do not take care of animals sincerely especially
Change preposition
in
show examples
animal conservatories in undeveloped countries. There, many servants even are not specialists in
this
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 field.
For example
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, the latest statistics show that 15 per cent of the sudden deaths of creatures in cages are
due to
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 the irresponsibility and ignorance of vets at the
zoos
Use synonyms
. The public who
advocate
Correct subject-verb agreement
advocates
show examples
 protecting wildlife in captivity despite having objective views argues that bringing up new offspring of endangered
species
Use synonyms
 and sparking interest children to the flora and fauna are the main reasons for saving
zoos
Use synonyms
 in urban places. During the
last
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 surveys, general residents of cities agreed with
this
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 opinion.
Furthermore
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,
zoos
Use synonyms
 are free factors that rare kinds encounter in wildlife. It contributes and makes faster revitalizing
this
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species
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. A typical example of
this
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 increasing the number of cheetahs in the Namibian conservation zone rapidly from 2 to 13 individuals.
To conclude
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,
while
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 some support banning menageries and consider them injurious to creatures, there are people who pay attention helpful side of
zoos
Use synonyms
 like the importance of them in breeding
species
Use synonyms
 and kindling general public interest in nature. By considering the argument I guess the latter view is more reliable and I support it.

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task achievement
Try to enhance your essay with clearer, more specific examples to support your points. While you provided some, more detailed instances or studies could strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and linking words to improve the flow of your essay. This will help in making your writing more coherent and engaging.
language
Make sure to check for grammatical accuracy and use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely. This will enhance the overall quality of your essay.
task achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view in your conclusion, summarizing both sides of the argument before stating your opinion. This will make your conclusion stronger and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
You've presented a well-structured argument discussing both sides of the issue, which is commendable.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, effectively framing the essay.
task achievement
Your engagement with the topic and attempt to provide examples, such as the Namibian conservation zone, are appreciated.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • animal welfare
  • conservation
  • captive breeding
  • habitat
  • ethical issues
  • zoochosis
  • endangered species
  • genetic diversity
  • reintroduction programs
  • wildlife education
  • sanctuary
  • natural living conditions
  • artificial environments
  • behavioral enrichment
  • ecosystem
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