IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people feel that entertainments ej film stars pop musicians or sports stars, are paid too much money? Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

#people #entertainments #ej #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #job
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There has been
conroversy
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controversy
 about whether
society
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 should benefit from educated
people
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 or whether
people
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 tend to focus on their personal lives. From my perspective, I believe that, with
this
Linking Words
people
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 should be involved
their
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in their
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 nation and do
some thing
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something
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 in the way that their
society
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 makes progress.
To begin
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 with, being trained is one of the obligations in many countries.
In other words
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, the purpose of education is to turn citizens into useful members of
society
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. The more individuals with university degrees, the more breakdowns for the nation.
Furthermore
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, there are schools and
the
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apply
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universities
who
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that
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 are
redponsible
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responsible
 for
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people
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people's
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behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
 and teaching them to be cooperative,
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and team-work
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team-work
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teamwork
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.
On the other hand
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, trying to achieve personal desires, not only gives someone a sense of fulfilment
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 it is one
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of the
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the
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of the
show examples
 criteria to have a better community in many different fields.
For instance
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, in many countries,
society
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 always encourages the student to explore their own interests and speciality.
Moreover
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, students should always  have in
their
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apply
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mind that they have a
ligger
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bigger
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 plan which is to be a useful person not only in their lives but
also
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 for
theirs
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their
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 country.
Therefore
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, the main intention of education is to focus on the development
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society
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of society
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. In
conclussion
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conclusion
, the goals of education include learning how to be a person who can be advantageous to
society
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 and achieving ambition. In my opinion, the principle intention
,
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apply
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 is to make
people
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 encourage in progress of the community.
Submitted by zakirova7ez3 on

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task achievement
Your essay addressed the question to some extent but deviated significantly from the prompt. Try to precisely focus on the topic given and ensure your discussion remains on the issue of payment to entertainers and other professions that should be highly paid.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of your essay shows effort in organizing ideas, but there are issues with paragraphing and linking ideas smoothly. Consider using more varied linking words and clear topic sentences for each paragraph.
task achievement
You've attempted to provide examples and explanations, however, they were not directly relevant to the specific topic of payment for entertainers. Use direct examples that relate closely to the question for more effective arguments.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates an attempt to engage with the topic and explore broader societal implications, showing an understanding of the importance of education.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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