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Band 3.5

Some people feel that entertainments ej film stars pop musicians or sports stars, are paid too much money? Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

#people #entertainments #ej #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #job
There has been
conroversy
Correct your spelling
controversy
 about whether
society
 should benefit from educated
people
 or whether
people
 tend to focus on their personal lives. From my perspective, I believe that, with
this
people
 should be involved
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 nation and do
some thing
Correct your spelling
something
show examples
 in the way that their
society
 makes progress.
To begin
 with, being trained is one of the obligations in many countries.
In other words
, the purpose of education is to turn citizens into useful members of
society
. The more individuals with university degrees, the more breakdowns for the nation.
Furthermore
, there are schools and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
universities
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are
redponsible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 and teaching them to be cooperative,
Correct word choice
and team-work
show examples
team-work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
.
On the other hand
, trying to achieve personal desires, not only gives someone a sense of fulfilment
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 it is one
Change preposition
of the
show examples
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 criteria to have a better community in many different fields.
For instance
, in many countries,
society
 always encourages the student to explore their own interests and speciality.
Moreover
, students should always  have in
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
mind that they have a
ligger
Correct your spelling
bigger
show examples
 plan which is to be a useful person not only in their lives but
also
 for
theirs
Correct the word
their
show examples
 country.
Therefore
, the main intention of education is to focus on the development
society
Change preposition
of society
show examples
. In
conclussion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the goals of education include learning how to be a person who can be advantageous to
society
 and achieving ambition. In my opinion, the principle intention
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is to make
people
 encourage in progress of the community.
Submitted by zakirova7ez3 on

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task achievement
Your essay addressed the question to some extent but deviated significantly from the prompt. Try to precisely focus on the topic given and ensure your discussion remains on the issue of payment to entertainers and other professions that should be highly paid.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of your essay shows effort in organizing ideas, but there are issues with paragraphing and linking ideas smoothly. Consider using more varied linking words and clear topic sentences for each paragraph.
task achievement
You've attempted to provide examples and explanations, however, they were not directly relevant to the specific topic of payment for entertainers. Use direct examples that relate closely to the question for more effective arguments.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates an attempt to engage with the topic and explore broader societal implications, showing an understanding of the importance of education.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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