IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Eating too much sugar is harmful to health. Some people think it is the government’s responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think it is an individual’s responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#sugar #health #people #government’s #responsibility #limit #people’s #consumption #individual’s #amount
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Nowadays,
people
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 are aware of the positive and negative impacts of their surroundings thanks to the internet. Since
sugar
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 is dangerous for the human body, it is argued whether the consumption of
sugar
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 is limited by the
government
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 or
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individuals
Correct word choice
whether individuals
show examples
 should take responsibility for eating
less
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
sugar
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 as much as they can. I will justify the reasons behind
this
Linking Words
 statement in the upcoming paragraphs with my opinion. The first and foremost reason behind the limitation on
sugar
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 should be implemented by the
government
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 is that the supply of goods and products is checked by authorities.
For instance
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, a bill is passed by the
government
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 every year to regulate the price and sale of the products,
therefore
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, the amount of
sugar
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 sent to stores can be reduced by the
government
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.
In addition
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 to
this
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, the campus should be organized to provide knowledge about the negative effects of
sugar
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 on one's health as some
people
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 are not aware of it.
Consequently
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, awareness can help
people
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 to limit the use of
sugar
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 in their daily life.
However
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, the latter statement is
also
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 true that
individuals
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 had better control
of
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the usage of
sugar
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 in their food.
For example
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,do
individuals
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 know what is good for them? Some
people
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 prefer smoking regardless of the negative consequences.
Hence
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, it is their personal choice whether they want it or not.
As a result
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, everyone should take some responsibility for their health. In conclusion,
although
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 the
government
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 can limit the intake of
sugar
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 ,folks know more about their body as compared to the
government
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 so it should be their decision.
According to
Linking Words
 my perspective, if both
government
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 and
individuals
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do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 some efforts to minimize the amount of sweet things, it can be more efficient.
Submitted by simranjot0002 on

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detail
Clarify and expand your main points with more specific examples and explanations. Consider how specific evidence or details could make your argument stronger.
structure
Work on structuring your essay more clearly with distinct paragraphs for each view and your own opinion. Use clear topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument.
accuracy
Watch out for spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. Small inaccuracies can distract from your message. Consider a careful review or using writing tools to help.
cohesion
Enhance the coherence of your essay by improving transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking phrases to better connect your ideas.
opinion clarity
Be clear about your own opinion throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion. This helps to fulfill the task requirement of giving your own view.
task response
You addressed both views as the task prompt requested, showing a good understanding of the task.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes both sides of the argument and your own viewpoint, making it a strong part of your essay.
example
Your example of governmental regulation of product supply is relevant and helps to support your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • harmful
  • government intervention
  • policies and regulations
  • public health
  • individual responsibility
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • freedom of choice
  • balanced approach
  • food industry
  • sugar content
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • health problems
  • taxation
  • advertising restrictions
  • labeling requirements
  • reading food labels
  • natural sweeteners
  • cooking at home
  • moderation
  • balanced diets
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