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Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? which other types of job should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #money #job
The entertainment
Correct article usage
Entertainment
show examples
 has been the top priority of
majority
Add an article
the majority
show examples
 of
people
 in
this
 stressful world. So, entertainers like comedians and singers are
getting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
earning more money than other professionals like doctors,
nurses
Correct word choice
and nurses
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. I completely agree with the notion that these
people
 who are from the field of entertainment are earning much more than
previous
Add an article
the previous
show examples
 decade. To start with,
people
 are living stressful lives these days
due to
 high inflation
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
, high rents and lots of pressure from work.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of them do not have enough time or money to visit other places which leaves them with options like watching vlogs, short movies or listening to music on television as
this
 is more cheaper and affordable.
This
 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 these
people
 from
this
 specific industry are in demand.
For instance
,
people
 are earning thousands of US dollars
while
 just making daily life vlogs because
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 finds them entertaining.
On the other hand
, there is a portion of society which works really hard so that they have all the necessities of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life.
For instance
, teachers and nurses are two of the professions that are working more than 10 hours and making a difference in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society but are still struggling to even pay the
rents
Fix the agreement mistake
rent
show examples
 and other daily expenses.
According to
 my perception, these medical and teaching professions are
under rated
Correct your spelling
underrated
show examples
 and get so much less money as compared to the effort they put
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 improving the lives of the citizens of the country. The gist of the matter is that some
people
 are earning more by just putting
some
Change preposition
in some
show examples
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
while
 there are those professions that are working so hard and even living a miserable life where they can not even afford a holiday in a year. So, the payment
done
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
should be
according to
 the effort and hard work of the
people
.
Submitted by kiran.deep24 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To enhance it, consider varying your sentence structures and using more sophisticated connectives to show the relationships between ideas more clearly.
task achievement
You've addressed the topic well by providing your opinion and discussing its reasons. For an even better score, ensure every paragraph clearly supports your main point. Also, try incorporating more specific examples and evidence to back up your claims.
task response
The essay presents a clear stance throughout, effectively maintaining focus on the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have successfully used paragraphs to organize your ideas logically, which aids in making your argument clear and persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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