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Band 4

Nowadays more and more people are using cellphones and computers to communicate, so they are losing the ability to communicate with each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#people #cellphones #computers #ability #face
In recent times, the consumption of mobile phones and computers
reduce
Wrong verb form
has reduced
show examples
 the interaction between
people
 in person. I completely agree with
this
 statement because of
hectic
Correct article usage
the hectic
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 schedule and it is
convenient
Add an article
the convenient
a convenient
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 source, which
people
 prefer electronic devices for communication.
Due to
advancement
Correct article usage
the advancement
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 of
Correct article usage
the generation
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generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
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,
people
 are very busy
to increase in
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
 their income but on the other
side
Add a comma
side,
show examples
 they lose
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 connection with the world. That means they prefer to contact them via mobile phones and computers through social media.
For example
, my sister went for her job in
other state
Change the wording
another state
other states
show examples
 to cover the house expenses with that salary by working hard which she hardly visits home and
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to use social app for communication.
In addition
, many individuals
have
Verb problem
are
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 required to complete some task in
given
Correct article usage
a given
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 time so that they will get
promotion
Correct article usage
a promotion
show examples
 and it tends them towards using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artificial technology.
Moreover
, several individuals think that it is
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 convenient source of communication. To explain, the
people
 of
this
 era become more lazy. Even though,
people
wants
Change the verb form
want
show examples
 to work from their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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their interaction with other colleagues is reduced.
For instance
, online classes and work started
in
Change preposition
apply
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these days, so
people
 select
this
 option for their convenience which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 interaction between them in person. In conclusion,
although
 new inventions of technology made our interesting and convenient
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
due to
busy
Correct pronoun usage
our busy
show examples
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
, exchanging
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 and emotions through face to face is less
now
Correct word choice
important now
show examples
.
Submitted by AP on

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Example Detail
Expand your examples with more detail to illustrate your points more clearly. Your mention of your sister and the generic nature of online work could be enhanced with specifics on how these situations impact face-to-face communication skills.
Structure
Structure your essay more effectively by clearly separating your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
Argument Depth
While you address the topic, delve deeper into the argument by exploring counter viewpoints or the potential benefits of technology in maintaining relationships, providing a more balanced perspective.
Position Clarity
Your essay presents a clear stance agreeing with the statement, maintaining consistency throughout.
Use of Examples
You effectively use examples, like the scenario involving your sister, to support your argument, even if more detail would be beneficial.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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