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Band 5

nowadays, more people are choosing to sicialise online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #sicialise #face #development
There is an increasing number of individuals
prefer
Correct pronoun usage
who prefer
show examples
 to connect with
others
 online
instead
 of going out to meet them. In my opinion,
this
 new trend has some benefits
such
 as its convenience and accessibility.
however
, there are
also
 some negative effects including
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
several
health
 problems.
This
 essay will explain the reasons behind my opinions and provide examples.
To begin
 with, as technology advances, socialisation has become a lot easier these days. Online
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
 facilitated our communication more accessible and convenient, as people do not need to put
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 effort
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 travel to meet their friends and families. Despite the distance, individuals are able to connect with
others
 online.
For example
, I have been living in
Correct article usage
a foreigner
show examples
foreigner
Replace the word
foreign
show examples
 country for almost 10
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
, it is difficult for me to see my family as often as I would like to.
However
,
thank
Correct subject-verb agreement
thanks
show examples
 to the technological advancement, which
enable
Wrong verb form
enabled
show examples
to
Correct pronoun usage
me to
show examples
 connect with my family via
face time
Correct your spelling
FaceTime
show examples
.
Thus
, socialising online has made
better
Correct pronoun usage
us better
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 keeping in touch with our loved ones.
On the other hand
, I believe that there are some drawbacks
using
Change preposition
to using
show examples
 the internet to connect with
others
. Since people now can talk and see each other online, they tend to stay home more and more. the amount of time people
send
Correct your spelling
spend
show examples
 on screen has increased, leading
some
Change preposition
to some
show examples
health
 issues
such
 as lack of vitamin D, lack of exercise and muscle pain.
For example
, a study showed
40
Correct word choice
that 40
show examples
% of non-specific back pain is caused by prolonged sitting at
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 both at work and private use
such
 as
facetime
Capitalize word
Facetime
show examples
 with
others
.
Therefore
, online socialising can detriment human
health
. In conclusion, I believe that
increase
Correct article usage
the increase
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 online socialising has some positive
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
such
 as making
us
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 easy to connect with
others
,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 some negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
includes
Correct subject-verb agreement
include
show examples
 negative
health
 impacts.
Submitted by chia.8ee on

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Grammar
Ensure consistent verb tense usage throughout your essay to maintain clarity.
Vocabulary
To avoid repetition, try to use a variety of synonyms for words you frequently use, such as 'connect' and 'socialise'.
Spelling/Punctuation
Be cautious with spelling and punctuation, notably capitalization after periods and the correct usage of 'its' vs. 'it's'.
Introduction/Conclusion
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, they could be made stronger by directly stating your stance on whether it's a positive or negative development.
Content
Your essay provides a balanced view by discussing both benefits and drawbacks of online socialisation.
Example
Good use of examples to support your points, enhancing your arguments.
Structure
The structure of the essay is logical, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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