IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

In the past, people stored knowledge in books. Nowadays people store knowledge on the internet. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #books #store #internet
The chart illustrates how
Correct article usage
the numbers
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of transport owners
were fluctuating
Wrong verb form
fluctuated
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 from 1987 to 1999 within one country.
Overall
,
it is clear that
 during the whole
time
Add a comma
time,
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 there was an upward trend, which grew dramatically.
Moreover
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 used to be approximately 8 times
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 vehicles
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of the period
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to the end.
To begin
 with, less than 500 means of transport were owned by
induviduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 in China in 1987. During the next few years, it increased a bit and was merely 500.
However
, it rose steadily, which resulted in a bit less than 1000 cars and other transporting devices between 1991 and 1995. As
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is shown on the chart, in 1995, the amount doubled in numbers and went up to almost 2000. Afterwards, it continued getting more and more vehicles. At
first,
3000
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
machines per 1000 people, and,
finally
, it was 4000
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 transporting appliances by the end of 1999.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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Task Achievement
You provided a structure to your essay, which is great. However, there seems to be a misunderstanding of the task. The task required you to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of storing knowledge on the internet as compared to books, but you wrote about transport ownership trends. Please make sure to address the specific question asked in the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to clearly connect your paragraphs and ensure a smooth flow. Include an introduction that outlines the essay's main points and a conclusion that summarises your views.
Task Achievement
For better task achievement, focus on directly answering the question asked, providing clear arguments for or against, and supporting your opinions with examples or evidence.
Positive Aspect
You provided a clear numerical description and showed an upward trend, which could be a good approach in tasks requiring data interpretation.
Positive Aspect
The essay structure indicates an attempt at creating logical segments, which is a foundation for coherent writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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