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Band 7.5

Level of youth crime is increasing rapidly in the most cities around the world. What are the reasons for this and suggest some solutions.

#level #youth #crime #cities #world
In
this
 day and age, we can see news about
youth
 crime around the world on many platforms. Most nations are concerned about witnessing the rapid growth of offences committed by youngsters. So
this
 essay is worth considering. Let us take a look at the reasons for
this
 solution. There are several factors in the crime problem
such
 as social media, lack of attention from parents ,
youth
 protection laws and weapons that are easy to buy. Show that, the famous news in Thailand about child criminals shooting guns in shopping malls caused many people to be affected by the incident and worst of all, many people died, one of whom was a foreigner.
Therefore
, various people analyze
this
 event and what factors make young boys turn into child criminals.The problem arises from parents putting too much pressure on their children about their studies and not paying attention to their children's details. His free time activity was shooting in the range when he was only fourteen. He admitted to ordering the weapons online. Even though he committed a crime as violent as an adult he should receive the maximum punishment. But because he is still a
youth
 and cannot use the rules of an adult, he is not responsible for what he does.
Consequently
, citizens came to take action about
this
 event to change
youth
 law to have the severity of the punishment be equivalent to what was done. The essential one is weapons have to be traded, controlled and prohibited from being sold online.
However
, family is super significant in
this
 problem. If a young boy has a good background
this
 situation will be nothing worth happening.
To sum up
, the government and household should cooperate in solving these problems because the family is an important basis for a child and the government has a role in regulating various laws.
Submitted by np.napatping on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded with examples or explanations. Use linking words to connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly.
Task Achievement
To enhance task response, ensure that you address all parts of the task. Your essay should clearly introduce the problem, discuss reasons, offer solutions, and conclude effectively. Each part needs a dedicated section in your essay.
Task Achievement
For a higher score, work on developing your paragraphs fully. Explain your points more comprehensively by discussing one main idea per paragraph and supporting it with detailed examples.
General
Remember to review your essay for possible grammatical errors or awkward phrases. Clear, error-free English will help your score.
Task Achievement
You provided a relevant real-world example to support your point about youth crime, which made your essay more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the key points and suggests solutions, effectively wrapping up the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've made a good effort at structuring your essay, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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