IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some believe colleges should focus on sports as much as they do on studies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #colleges #focus #sports #studies
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Some people think that colleges pay too much attention to studies and they should focus on doing
sports
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 as much as they do on other lessons. I do believe that dedicating enough time
for
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to
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 doing
sports
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 can bring lots of benefits for pupils. On the one hand, the most effective result that doing
sport
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 can bring for individuals is physical
health
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. Putting different
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sports'
Change noun form
sports
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programme
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programmes
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 in schools'
syllabus
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syllabi
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 can boost pupils' physical
health
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,
therefore
Linking Words
, they do not suffer from some
health
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 issues
such
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 as obesity or diabetes which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 very common among youngsters. Another merit
sport
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 can cause
students
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 is mental
health
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. As we know, doing
sports
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release
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releases
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 Dopamine in our brain which is called the hormone of happiness
by
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apply
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so
the
Correct your spelling
they
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 do not suffer from some mental
deseases
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diseases
such
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 as depression or anxiety. An the
last
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 not
the
Correct article usage
apply
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least, usually at
these
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this
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 age
students
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 feel overweight,
the
Correct word choice
and the
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self- image
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self-image
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 that they have from them self can
detruct
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destroy
 their
confidant
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confidence
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. So,
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sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 keep them more
inshape
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in shape
hand
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and
show examples
 boost the level of their confidence.
However
Linking Words
, some may say college years are very sensitive as the
students
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 get ready to enter university, so they have to try very hard to study. Striving hard for sure
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 success for
students
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, but I think putting
small
Add an article
a small
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 amount of time aside for doing
sport
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 can not damage their study plans.
Also
Linking Words
,
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sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 can make pupils tired as they burn calories but a shower or sufficient amount of rest could compensate
it
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for it
show examples
. In conclusion, based on the arguments above I believe that
although
Linking Words
 doing
sport
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 is a bit
time- consuming
Correct your spelling
time-consuming
show examples
 or tiring, the advantages it brings for
students
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 like better mental and physical
health
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 worth the time and energy to spend on.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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Enhancing Argumentation
To further improve your essay, consider expanding on your examples with more specific scenarios or studies. This can enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
Sentence Variety
Work on varying your sentence structure to add sophistication to your writing. Mix complex and compound sentences to demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Addressing Counter-Arguments
Consider a brief counter-argument section to acknowledge opposing viewpoints more extensively before refuting them. This can add depth to your essay.
Introduction Clarity
You have a clear thesis statement that sets out your position effectively.
Balanced Argument
The essay maintains a good balance between discussing the importance of sports and addressing potential objections.
Use of Details
Use of specific details to support your points about the benefits of sports on physical and mental health.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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