In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinion on this?
There has been a constant debate about whether
children
should be able to participate in paid jobs. While
some people say that this
is not right, others believe that this
is crucial for children
's development. In my opinion, I strongly argue that it is wrong for children
to engage in these paid employments, which I will elaborate more on in my essay.
Firstly
, this
can have negative impacts on children
's health. Regarding physical health, certain body parts in children
, such
as bones and muscles, are not fully developed, which can be severely damaged or badly affected as children
take on intense work. For example
, a significant number of children
are employed in the perfume-making industry. This
heavily impacted children
with its harsh working conditions, including having to wake up early, and fight with mosquitoes and allergies to flower pollen, causing them multiple health problems such
as irritation, a disrupted sleeping schedule, and dengue.
Besides
, children
engaging in paid jobs can cause children
to not experience their childhood to the fullest. It is true that certain jobs can cause children
to undergo pressure; nevertheless
, a number of parents still force them to because it means more income. For instance
, with the growth of the Internet and social media platforms, a majority of families are making their offspring create content in order to post and earn money from advertisement deals. Though this
might seem like a suitable career, a number of children
are threatened by hate comments about them, leading to harmful development.
In conclusion, while
in some cases it is true that occupations can help children
learn valuable lessons, I strongly suggest otherwise
and believe that it is better to consider other options to achieve the same goal since paid duties can heavily impact children
, both physically and mentally.Submitted by minhlieu.hnd on
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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position and addresses the topic comprehensively. However, improving the clarity and depth of your ideas can enhance your argument. You could provide more varied and specific examples to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. Each paragraph supports your main position, but ensure smoother transitions between points and paragraphs to improve flow. Providing more detailed explanations and avoiding repetition will also make the essay more cohesive.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets up the argument and clearly states your position.
task achievement
The essay makes effective use of examples to illustrate points, adding credibility to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The use of paragraphs to separate different ideas enhances readability and coherence.