IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that money is the sole reason to be happy. While others think that heath is more important discuss both views.

#people #money #reason #heath
Happiness
 is not only considered to be the most valuable asset in our lives, but
also
 is
regard
Wrong verb form
regarded
show examples
the
Change preposition
as the
show examples
 blood artery in everyone's
life
. Some individuals claim that
money
 is the only way to enjoy
happiness
. Others,
however
, have a strong belief in
health
 as it is more essential in the context of a that has been mentioned it is debatable.


Money
 could lead us to
happiness
through
Change preposition
in
show examples
 various ways.
Firstly
,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 around the world renew our emotions and
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 us new energy to explore landmarks.
In addition
, view different cultures
while
 worldly tourism
grow
Change the verb form
grows
show examples
 our mindset.
furthermore
, buying luxurious things like cars, watches, and
phons
Correct your spelling
phones
show examples
,
what rase
Verb problem
increases
show examples
 our dopamine level and
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 us a
satisfy
Change the form of the verb
satisfying
show examples
feelings
Fix the agreement mistake
feeling
show examples
.
According to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research,
people
Change preposition
among people
show examples
 who prefer buying and
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 when they are mad
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 above
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
two thirds
Add a hyphen
two-thirds
show examples
 the particular reason for the circumstance they think
that is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
. Having more
health
 habits
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 us a longer
life
.
To begin
 with, going to the gym and
stick
Wrong verb form
sticking
show examples
 to
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet give some
people
 the motivation to complete their daily tasks.
Moreover
, for
them
Add a comma
them,
show examples
health
 is more vital than achieving fortune.
Due to
BBC
Correct article usage
the BBC
show examples
 channel,

plethora
Add an article
a plethora
the plethora
show examples
 of
people
 prefer to have a sustainable income and live
with out
Correct your spelling
without
show examples
 chronic diseases.
To sum up
 what has
stated
Add a missing verb
been stated
show examples
 so far, despite
people
 having different points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
. both
money
 and
health
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 crucial.
however
, some
people
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that
money
 is more important for the reasons
has
Wrong verb form
that have
show examples
 been discussed, others claim that
health
 is their
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 and
money
 does not equal
health
. In my opinion, I consider that both of them are commonly significant but there is no taste for
life
 without
health
.
Submitted by abdullmajeedsugati on

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structure
Consider organizing your essay with a clear introduction that presents the topic and your thesis statement. Following this, develop each viewpoint in separate paragraphs with clear topic sentences.
coherence
To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next by using transitional phrases and clearly linking your ideas.
evidence
Enhance your task response by providing more detailed examples and evidence to support your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing and comprehensive.
grammar
Review and correct grammatical errors and typos to improve the clarity of your writing.
response to task
You clearly presented both views on the importance of money versus health for happiness, addressing the essay prompt effectively.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay, restating your position and the importance of both money and health.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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