IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the percentage participation of women in senior management in three companies between 1975 and 2015.

The table below shows the percentage participation of women in senior management in three companies between 1975 and 2015.
The table provides key information about
female
Correct article usage
the female
show examples
 senior management engagement ratio in
Eldan
Use synonyms
 Lit,
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 and
Finsbusy
Correct your spelling
Finsbury
Ltd
Use synonyms
 companies over the course of 40
years
Use synonyms
 from 1975 to 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
, It is clear from the graph that
Eldan
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
Ltd
Change noun form
Ltd's
show examples
 business represents the highest
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 participation throughout the period.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
company
Use synonyms
 showed a gradual
increase
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
company
Use synonyms
 demonstrated a significant
increase
Use synonyms
 over the course.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, females in
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
company
Use synonyms
 showed a remind proportion in the first 5
years
Use synonyms
.
then
Linking Words
 in the next 10
Use synonyms
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 the percentages increased significantly, approximately to the third in 1990.
additionally
Linking Words
, in 2000 the ratio showed a modest
increase
Use synonyms
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 33%.
While
Linking Words
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of the
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
 the percentage increased to double by 64%. In terms of other
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 and
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
, Females showed a high ratio in the first five
years
Use synonyms
conversely
Linking Words
 to
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
company
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, by the next ten
Use synonyms
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 both companies contributed a slight
increase
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of about
show examples
 15% for
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 22% for
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 companies.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 showed a rapid
increase
Use synonyms
almost
Change preposition
of almost
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half about 46%.
While
Linking Words
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 showed a slight
increase
Use synonyms
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 26 in 2015.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words eldan, bamforth, ltd, years, finsbury, company, increase with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 6 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 8 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: