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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is argued that the parents of children who break the rules should be punished in some ways as parents are responsible for the children's actions. To what extent do you agree or desagree?

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It is contended that
parents
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 should face consequences when their
children
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 violate rules since
parents
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 bear accountability for the
actions
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 of their offspring. I tend to agree with
this
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 viewpoint to some extent, but it is vital to recognize that
individuals
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 are
also
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 responsible for their own conduct. On one hand, there is no disputing the profound influence
parents
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 have on their
children
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 as they serve as primary role models from early childhood.
Moreover
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,
children
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 observe and imitate their
parents
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'
actions
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 and
behaviors
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behaviours
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. A poignant example of
this
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 is a case in China where a minor tortured and killed multiple cats.
Besides
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, the
parents
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 not only taught him these
cruelt
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cruelty
cruel
 behaviours but
also
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 actively supported and facilitated his
actions
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 by providing tools for the acts and acquiring cats for him. On the flip side, young
individuals
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 are not solely influenced by their
parents
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; they are
also
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 shaped by other factors
such
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 as peers, social media, and societal norms. Primarily, peer relationships can significantly impact
children
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, particularly in cases of bullying.
For instance
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, there have been reports in Japanese media where a teenager
harbored
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harboured
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 intentions of carrying out a massacre against classmates who had subjected him to over a decade of bullying.
Additionally
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, with the prevalence of the internet, exposure to graphic and violent content has become rampant.
Such
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 content can serve as a catalyst for
individuals
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 with malicious intent, inciting violent tendencies in them. In conclusion,
while
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 it is evident that
parents
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 play a pivotal role in shaping their
children
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's
behavior
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behaviour
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, it is important to acknowledge that they are not the sole influencers of negative behaviours. Other external factors like peer influence and exposure to harmful content
also
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 significantly contribute to the
actions
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 of young
individuals
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.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single clear idea to maintain coherence and enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
Expand on the examples provided by discussing their implications or linking them more explicitly to the question's statement to deepen the analysis.
Introduction & Conclusion
You've effectively used an introduction and conclusion to frame your essay, aiding in presenting a coherent argument.
Use of Examples
Your use of examples, though brief, helps illustrate your points and makes your argument more persuasive.
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