The number of people at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What causes the increasing rate of overweight people in society? How to solve this problem?

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Obesity

and diabetes are among the major health issues that are primarily caused by being overweight.

Also

, the percentage of individuals who are concerned about their weight is rising. In fact, it brings detrimental impacts to the sustainable development of the nation. I will highlight some points below. It has more and more developing countries in the world and humans have more bustling lifestyles.

That is

the reason why office workers or busy

people

do not have time for their

meals

As a result

people

start to rely on fast food for their

meals

in order to function effectively, stay full, and finish their

meals

quickly. Because fast food contains a lot of carbohydrates, our bodies absorb a lot of sugar from it,

Correct word choice

and

show examples

obesity

problems and some digestive disorders can

last

longer.

In addition

people

nowadays need to work around the clock, so they do not spend time for exercise or walking around. They merely sit in one place and solve their job tasks. From that, they will have many issues with muscles and

obesity

. Admittedly, overweight

people

in the community are gradually increasing. We still have some valid ways to address these problems,

first,

the government and companies may spend welfare funds to provide

meals

and necessary outdoor activities for their workers.

Consequently

this

not only lowers the prevalence of

obesity

in society but

also

increases worker motivation and productivity.

Second,

the negative effects of being overweight need to be taken into account by the government and citizens.The government must include these controversial topics in the curriculum and on television. That helps citizens have enough basic knowledge and significant awareness regarding their

meals

As a consequence

, overweight concerns in a state can be reduced apparently. In conclusion, being overweight is the main concern of the health system because it can bring many types of serious diseases into our lives. The rising prevalence of overweight is a result of hectic and hectic lifestyles. We still have effective options to consider, though, we must respond as quickly as possible.

Submitted by okookk123456 on Tue May 07 2024

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coherence cohesion

Consider using a wider range of linking words to enhance the flow between ideas.

task achievement

Incorporate more specific examples or data to support your arguments, particularly when discussing solutions to the obesity problem.

coherence cohesion

Ensure a clear distinction between paragraphs to improve readability and structure.

task achievement

Seek to explore the causality between lifestyle choices and obesity in more depth to strengthen the argument.

coherence cohesion

The essay effectively introduces the topic and provides a comprehensive conclusion, demonstrating a strong understanding of the essay structure.

task achievement

You've done well to identify significant causes and suggest feasible solutions to the problem, articulating a relevant and complete response to the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

337 words

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The number of people at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What causes the increasing rate of overweight people in society? How to solve this problem?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people argue that the best way to become successful in life is to get a university education. Others disagree with it and reckon that nowadays it is no longer true. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Space travel has been possibile for some time, and some people believe that space tourism could be developed in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

With the development of scocial media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the internet in ordet to meet and chat with friends which can lead to pottentially dangerous situations. What solutions can you suggesr to deal with this problem?

Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is important for people to take risks, in both their professional lives and personal lives. Do the advantages of taking these risks outweigh the disadvantages?