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Band 7.5

The number of people at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What causes the increasing rate of overweight people in society? How to solve this problem?

#people #risk #health #rate #society
Obesity
 and diabetes are among the major health issues that are primarily caused by being overweight.
Also
, the percentage of individuals who are concerned about their weight is rising. In fact, it brings detrimental impacts to the sustainable development of the nation. I will highlight some points below. It has more and more developing countries in the world and humans have more bustling lifestyles.
That is
 the reason why office workers or busy
people
 do not have time for their
meals
.
As a result
,
people
 start to rely on fast food for their
meals
 in order to function effectively, stay full, and finish their
meals
 quickly. Because fast food contains a lot of carbohydrates, our bodies absorb a lot of sugar from it,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
obesity
 problems and some digestive disorders can
last
 longer.
In addition
,
people
 nowadays need to work around the clock, so they do not spend time for exercise or walking around. They merely sit in one place and solve their job tasks. From that, they will have many issues with muscles and
obesity
. Admittedly, overweight
people
 in the community are gradually increasing. We still have some valid ways to address these problems,
first,
the government and companies may spend welfare funds to provide
meals
 and necessary outdoor activities for their workers.
Consequently
,
this
 not only lowers the prevalence of
obesity
 in society but
also
 increases worker motivation and productivity.
Second,
the negative effects of being overweight need to be taken into account by the government and citizens.The government must include these controversial topics in the curriculum and on television. That helps citizens have enough basic knowledge and significant awareness regarding their
meals
.
As a consequence
, overweight concerns in a state can be reduced apparently. In conclusion, being overweight is the main concern of the health system because it can bring many types of serious diseases into our lives. The rising prevalence of overweight is a result of hectic and hectic lifestyles. We still have effective options to consider, though, we must respond as quickly as possible.
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coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words to enhance the flow between ideas.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples or data to support your arguments, particularly when discussing solutions to the obesity problem.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear distinction between paragraphs to improve readability and structure.
task achievement
Seek to explore the causality between lifestyle choices and obesity in more depth to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively introduces the topic and provides a comprehensive conclusion, demonstrating a strong understanding of the essay structure.
task achievement
You've done well to identify significant causes and suggest feasible solutions to the problem, articulating a relevant and complete response to the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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