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Writing Samples
Band 7

an increasing number of people choose to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why do people want to change the way they look? And Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #surgery #appearance #change #development
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The rising popularity of beauty aid surgery for presence enhancement has become a prominent trend in a cutting-edge social era. In my opinion, it is caused by gaining confidence,
while
 the development of
people
's looks is positive
due to
 health reasons and career
advancement
. One reason why more and more
people
 tend to change their appearance is a lack of confidence. Currently, the openness of the Internet provides a chance for all
people
 to express themselves by giving some information related to trending topics. Even though the contents of the information are good, generally, netizens look at the appearance of
people
 first before they give reactions like comments and love to engage with a video.
People
 who have a bad appearance are afraid to show off their bodies because they are afraid to get bad comments.
Therefore
,
this
 is why
people
 choose to go to beauty clinics to change their look with expectations to improve their confidence when they give information. One reason why cosmetic surgery must be encouraged is emotional healing. The
advancement
 of technology in cosmetic surgery is one way to support mental health.
People
 who have an ugly face feel they can treat it to make their face charming. By getting appreciation from other
people
, they feel proud, resulting in good mental health. Another reason beauty treatments must be done is for career
advancement
. In certain companies, like food and beverage businesses, the face is the main factor in enhancing their opportunities for
advancement
. By using their faces, they can attract customers' friends to buy their products.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Your essay effectively addresses the topic and provides a clear introduction and conclusion. However, consider expanding your conclusion to include a brief recap of your main points for stronger closure.
Sentence Structure
Include a more varied range of sentence structures and transition phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs, contributing to better coherence.
Lexical Resource
Try to integrate more diversified vocabulary related to the topic of cosmetic surgery and its impacts. This will not only demonstrate a broader lexical resource but also enrich your argumentation.
Supporting Examples
When providing examples, strive to include more specific details and perhaps data or studies to support your arguments. This will enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
Content Understanding
Your discussion on how cosmetic surgery can improve self-confidence and mental health is insightful, showcasing a deep understanding of the subject matter.
Structure
You made a good attempt to structure your essay with a clear introduction, logically ordered paragraphs for main points, and a conclusion, which easily guides the reader through your argument.
Use of Examples
Your usage of examples related to career advancement and emotional healing through cosmetic surgery adds depth to your argument, effectively illustrating your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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