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Band 4.5

In some countries, an increasing number of children are overweight or obese as a result of eating too much fast food. Banning fast food from school canteens is the best way to fight this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #children #food #school #canteens #fight
Health issues arising from consuming excessive amounts of junk food are a cause of great concern in many countries
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 among
children
 .There are calls for governments to ban unhealthy foods in schools ,
moreover
, promote a healthy diet system On the one hand , obesity-related diseases are common among kids these days
as a result
 of the high consumption of potentially harmful foods. Many school students attempt to eat high-calorie meals and high-sugar content drinks .
Moreover
, these nutrients are affordable and easy to get but
on the other hand
, they decrease the immunity system ,leading to a remarkable rise in heart and liver diseases.
Furthermore
,
this
 will put a huge strain on health sections either by high taxes, every year or by the huge amount of medications spent on these sick
children
.
On the other hand
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy diets should be prohibited in primary education centres. Educational programs about nutrition and the dangers of fast food can complement the ban and increase its effectiveness.
Moreover
,The need for a holistic approach that includes physical activity and parental guidance at home.
For example
, many schooling programs in the UK started showing more interest in sports and physical efforts for their students to keep their well-being and mental progress
To sum up
,Implementing healthier food choices in school canteens can promote better eating habits among
children
.
Moreover
 , home care and awareness represent 90% of their
children
's health.
Submitted by moonymum0011 on

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Introduction
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Coherence
In several places, you could enhance coherence by more effectively using linking words or phrases to connect your ideas.
Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structure more to add fluency to your text. This can make your essay more engaging to read.
Examples
Providing more specific examples to support your arguments can make your essay more convincing and comprehensive. Try to include data or case studies if possible.
Task response
You demonstrated a clear position throughout the essay, effectively addressing the prompt.
Argument Support
Your arguments are relevant and largely supported by general statements or examples.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • correlation
  • consumption
  • unhealthy food options
  • promote
  • eating habits
  • educational programs
  • nutrition
  • effectiveness
  • resistance
  • logistical issues
  • enforcing
  • holistic approach
  • physical activity
  • parental guidance
  • safeguarding
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