Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community.They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In
this
period of globalization, many people believe that it is important for
adolescents
to
work
in unpaid jobs during their free time in order to help the local society more and more.
This
essay agrees that having many
teenagers
work
can be really beneficial.
Firstly
,
this
essay will discuss how allowing
adolescents
to
work
in unpaid jobs can benefit society.
Secondly
, many
teenagers
can acquire a lot of experience which will be beneficial in their future professions. Supporting my agreement
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
the given statement, I firmly believe that supporting
to participate
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents
in unpaid occupations can have a positive impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.To cite an example, there are some professions which require many workers,
from
Correct word choice
and from
show examples
the financial side it can cause problems. Volunteer workers might be the best solution for
this
issue.Not only they can increase the productivity of
work
, but
also
exempts
Replace the word
exempt
show examples
from spending excess money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
community affairs.
Consequently
, extra money might be spent in other fields.
For instance
, Buildings
which need
Wrong verb form
that are needed
show examples
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
like hospitals, schools or kindergartens might be constructed. Explaining some of the
another supporting points
Replace the adjective
another supporting point
other supporting points
show examples
in favour
this
Change preposition
of this
show examples
statement, it is true that using
teenagers
as a volunteer worker as a way of increasing productivity of
work
is a very good idea.
Consequently
,
This
can be really beneficial for
teenagers
themselves.
For instance
, If they
work
in certain occupations which be related to their field of study,
this
may be
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
to acquire extra experience.
Furthermore
, they can use practically from their theoretical knowledge. In conclusion, I agree that supporting to participate
adolescents
to
work
in unpaid professions can bring advantages to the local community.They can provide productivity of
work
as well as
save more money.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
they can improve their practical knowledge.I believe that
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
show examples
points are strongly supporting my
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
.
Submitted by Teo Halimov on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Integrate a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples from real-life situations to strengthen your arguments.
general
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses a single main idea for better clarity.
general
Work on varying your sentence structure to make your writing more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Effective introduction and conclusion that underline your point of view.
task achievement
Good coverage of the topic with a clear position throughout the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: