Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Unhealthy
food
can have a negative effect on human
health
. A lot of processed
food
and privilege contains massive amounts of
sugar
, and it
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
diseases. Increasing the prices of
sugar
can help keep people away from buying sugary meals. I think the government should increase
taxes
on
sugar
to reduce diseases, like diabetes and obesity, and to encourage restaurants to
use
healthy
alternatives
to
sugar
. My contention will be
further
explained. To embark on, increasing
taxes
on
sugar
can help decrease the rate of diseases,
such
as obesity and diabetes.
In other words
, sugary
food
considered
Add a missing verb
is considered
show examples
to be unhealthy, because it can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
human
health
negatively, and it is linked to the occurrence of chronic disease.
for example
, a published article studied the effect of
sugar
on human
health
, and it revealed,
not
Correct word choice
that not
show examples
only that
sugar
caused
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
serious illness, but
also
had a
harmfully
Change the word
harmful
show examples
affect
Correct your spelling
effect
show examples
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
IQ of young
children’s
Change noun form
children
show examples
.
hence
, eating less
sugar
can aid in avoiding serious
health
problems.
Furthermore
, if the government
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
high
taxes
on
sugar
, some restaurants will not be able to
use
it.
Therefore
, reducing the amount of unhealthy
food
, and encourages them to
use
other healthy
alternatives
to
sugar
, like honey, stevia, and date
sugar
. A prime example, a study done by doctors in India showed that the
use
of healthy sugars can reduce glucose levels in diabetic patients, and reduce the prevalence of obesity.
Hence
, increasing
taxes
on
sugar
not only
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
will encourage people to
use
healthy
alternatives
, but
also
will make people in society consume sweet drinks and
food
without negative impact on their
health
. In conclusion, increasing
taxes
on
sugar
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
will decrease the consumption of sugary
food
and drinks,
additionally
, It will encourage restaurants to
use
other healthy
alternatives
. To restate my opinion, I think it is a good step to put high
taxes
on
sugar
, so we can have a healthier community.
Submitted by Selfigih7 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on using a variety of complex sentence structures to enhance clarity and flow.
task achievement
Consider revising for minor grammar and punctuation errors to improve the professionalism of writing.
task achievement
Expand your examples and evidence to strengthen your argument. Detailed, real-world examples can significantly enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the consistency of tense and voice throughout your essay to maintain coherence.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the essay question, providing a clear opinion and supporting arguments.
task achievement
Good use of examples to support your arguments, enhancing the essay’s persuasive effectiveness.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: